Never did I imagine...

Never did I imagine it would be this hard for me to get to 15lbs. (which is only 1/10th of what I am going to lose) But man oh man! I knew that I had not been good this week, but when I stepped on the scale this morning and saw a gain of almost 5 pounds I was mortified!

Now, i could have taken that information and gone several different ways.

I could have thrown in the towel and once again given up on myself and losing weight.
(Been there, done that, NOT doing it this time)

I could have taken extreme measures and allowed myself only water today in hopes of maybe "fooling" the scale tomorrow.
(I am almost ashamed to say that I considered this option for more than a few minutes)

But the road I chose to take instead was this.

Keep moving forward.

I had some water and an all bran bar (the cinnamon oatmeal ones are really tasty- hard to believe I know, but they are) as I was running Gabe to school. Some mornings things just don't seem to go well, and we we're very late getting to school. But we got there before the morning announcements were over. Phew. I wanted to just give up and go home right then. But, I didn't. I had Zach in the stroller, and my 45ish minute walking route ahead of me, and I was going to do it no matter what. Some times it amazes me how negative ones self talk can be, and the legs just keep moving. I was a little slower pushing Zach, but only by a couple of minutes. I did it, and was really happy that I didn't sabotage myself.

Sure, its going to suck tomorrow when I weigh in and I am STILL fighting to get to that first 15lbs, but I have to step back and look at the positives. I haven't given up, and I am constantly learning about myself. I am back on plan today, and i will keep moving forward.

An the word of the day is UUUGGGHHH!

As I sit here to write this post I am suffering from conflicting emotions. The first one is sheer frustration. My house is completely in shambles. I don't think there is an inch of floor or counter space that is not covered in.....something...toys, papers, dishes, toys, recycling waiting to be taken out, clean clothes, dirty clothes, the new package of toilet paper that has been sitting on the floor in the kitchen for 3 days waiting to be put away, toys....did I mention toys, oh yes, and toys, shoes, backpacks, 3 boxes of pampered chef product waiting to be sorted and delivered, etc, etc, etc...and believe me there is lots of etc. Not only is my house this way, but my WW week has been horrible for staying "On plan" . I have found it extremely hard to find any focus at all or to be able to be constructive in any way shape or form. UUUGGGHHH I say!
However, then there are the really good emotions from time spent with family. I LOVE my family. It isn't very often with Gord's work schedule that we get to spend much time as our little family of four. I cherish the times we do very much. Even when all it consists of is lunch, driving in the car, some goofing around at Gord's work, dinner, and the drive home. It was still fun, and nice to just enjoy our family.
I LOVE my family. Saturday night I was able to go to the Gaither Homecoming Concert at the ACC with my two sisters, and my oldest niece. This was her first time going with us. I think this is our eight or ninth year going. What a great night! Hours of wonderful music, praise to God, and a great time with my sisters. For those hours I was able to get lost in the music and feel the Spirit of God move among many (and not have to think about the chaos that is my house).
So, now it is Monday. It's now 6:10pm, and I still haven't managed to gain much focus, but I am about to attempt to find some order within this chaos. Wish me luck.
Tomorrow I must get back OP. A week without exercise, not enough water, and too many over-point days is probably not going to make it very easy to reach that darn 15lb mark!
.....Again I say....UUUUUGGGHHHH.

Not enough for a sticker :(

Well, weigh-in this week was a little disappointing. I had been aiming for 2 lbs, and only achieved 1.2. I am still .8lbs away from my first 15 pounds. HOWEVER, it is still going down, and I need to be happy with that. I shouldn't have any trouble reaching my 15 next week, and if continue at that rate and do the math, that is...

15 lbs in 10 weeks

30 lbs in 20 weeks

45 lbs in 30 weeks

60 lbs in 40 weeks

75 lbs in 50 weeks..........nothing to be upset about!!

Darkness to Life?

WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?

Since I began writing this blog I have been asked numerous times why i named it as I did. To put it simply, it expresses how I feel. This journey is about finding the me that I lost...or that maybe I never really knew.....

Who am I?

I am a wife, a mother, a daughter, a daughter-in-law, a grand daughter, a sister, a sister -in-law, a niece, a great-niece, an aunt, a cousin. I am a friend, an employee, a co-worker, a homemaker, a believer. I am a lover, a confidant, a sounding board, a fixer of boo boos, a dryer of tears, a reader of bedtime stories, a cook, a handy woman, a taxi service, an errand-girl.....

Yes, I am all of those things and more, but who am I?

If you asked me right now, how would I describe myself?

My name is Janessa Victoria Melville. I am 36 years old. I have been married for 16 years to a good man. We've struggled, and continue to struggle in some ways, but we've stuck together. We have two young boys that are a beautiful gift from God. I am a stay at home mom who struggles daily. I work part time for a Lovable Labels, and enjoy my one day a week in the office, and the chance to be kid free for several consecutive hours. I am horribly overweight and have struggle with it for more years than I care to mention. I don't feel I do anything very well. My house is usually untidy, the laundry and dishes seem to pile up, and among other things, my kids don't get bathed as often as they should. I yell too much, and read too little. I allow fear and embarrassment to keep me shackled.

And I cry.

I cry at the thought of coming to the end of my life and looking back with regret. To look back and see a scared little girl who never took chances, didn't stand up and be counted, didn't reach out and try, who allowed herself to continuously be swallowed deeper and deeper into the darkness that she once felt safe in cause its safer and easier to stay in the shadows than to try and risk failure. A lost soul who doesn't seek, because she's afraid of what she'll find.

And I'm tired.

I'm tired of being that person. I am tired of the captivity of this body and mind. My obesity is a prison, not a refuge. It once allowed me to hid, allowed me to not participate. But now, it keeps me chained and I am forced to watch from the sidelines as life passes me by. I have hidden for so long behind doing and saying what I thought others wanted of me that I don't think that I even know who Janessa really is?

But I do know this.

I want to find her. I want to break free of all that keeps me bound. I want to have that which clouds my mind, lifted. To show my boys and my husband a mom and wife who loves them enough to want to be so much better. To love deeper. To LIVE life, not just exist. To dream, but to then get out there and make it happen. To grow in my faith. I believe, but I want to feel Him, know Him, trust Him, and share it all.

I want to go from Darkness to LIFE!

But its hard. Going to Weight Watchers is just one little step in my journey. I have so much to learn, its hard to know where and how to start. The darkness is hard to step out of. But, I'll just keep taking one step forward. I am blessed every day that I get to wake up, hug my family and journey on.

A Different Perspective

My apologies for the lack in postings. The last couple of days have been a little busy.

So, with no further delay, here we go.

I have to say, I Love My WW Meetings! Not once in the last 9 wednesdays have I not wanted to go. I look forward to it, even if I don't feel I have done well that week. I am grateful for the other members that show up at the 10am meeting and share how their week has gone. This week was no different.

I arrived just before 10 to do my weigh in before the meeting. Down another 1.8 pounds bringing my 8 week total to 13lbs. Not the 3+ I was trying for, but hopefully next week i'll make it to 15 or beyond (and that next 5lb sticker).

So, our meeting starts and those of us who have been attending during the summer are rewarded with a sticker for our bookmarks (wahoo, not a 5 pounder, but I'll take it...lol). Then we move on to the sharing part of our meeting. A few people share about how their week went, and a few good questions are asked. (We are also reminded that there are no silly questions...a few more questions come out....none of which are silly) but this week we have a celebration to share. One of our members has gone Lifetime!

What this means is that she has reached her goal. As we applaud for her I can't help but think that someday that will be me up there enjoying that moment. The leader asks her a few questions about her journey, but the one that caught my attention was when she asked her how much she had lost. This member has lost 21 lbs. Now in my head i'm thinking...Great! I only have to lose 6 or 7 times what this woman has. OOYYYY!!!! But, then it happens.......

....as she continues to talk she says that it took her more than a year to lose those 21 lbs.

In an instant my perspective changed. All of a sudden I was proud of my 13 lbs in 8weeks. (which I really hadn't been up until now) No longer did my 13 lbs seem like such a small amount. I realized that I AM doing okay. Sure I'd like it to be faster, but really, its okay. I am losing it, and as long as I keep my focus, I will continue to do so. I will be able to look back in another 8 weeks and see a loss of 20-30lbs...what change in perspective will that bring? I look forward to finding out.

Bring on the next meeting.

P.S. Thanks for checking up on me Erika!

A Hard Week

This has been a hard week. With the addition of my 18 month old neice for a few days, and the normal unpredictable nature of normal everyday life, this week has not been what I had hoped for. With a couple days of missed exercise, and a couple of POINTS heavy days, i'm afraid that my vision of another 5 lb sticker is fading quickly.

But.....I'll get it back. I used to allow myself to give up. No more. This is a journey. I don't have to be perfect. Lord knows I can't be. In the words of Walt Disney, I just have to "keep moving forward". I need to forgive my mistakes, learn from them, forget them, and take another step in the right direction. Moment by moment, day by day, one step after another. I will get there.

With every day that passes I learn more about what works for me and what doesn't. As I listen to others and allow their words to encourage and teach me, I feel more and more empowered. It is those words that I draw on when I look in the mirror and still see the fat girl looking back at me. I know that she will be there for a long time, but with every positive thought and action she has less of a hold on me.

The other day I heard author Elizabeth Gilbert talking about a situation where she broke down sobbing on a New York subway. Part of what she said was that she didn't want that to be her contribution to the world. That struck a cord with me. I don't want this version of myself, the unhappy, uninvolved, obese bystander, to be my contribution. I have so much more to give, I'm sure of it. I just have to find it. I know its within me, and that is some of what this journey is about.

I look forward to meeting me. :)

A Wonderful Evening with Friends

Last night Gord, the boys and I had the pleasure of a great visit with friends. We don't do it often enough, so when we do it is often a late night. Yesterday was no exception. We got together just before dinner, and enjoyed food, drink, conversation and watching the boys play for about 7hours (Well, Zach didn't last that long, but Gabe was still going strong when we left somewhere around midnight).

It is always a wonderful evening when we get together. Our conversations wind their way through a myriad of topics, some personal, some not, some full of laughter, some more sobering. We can say what's on our minds, and just enjoy our time together. There is no agenda, no ulterior motives, just four friends having a great time. It is a real blessing in a stress filled world to have friends that you can just be yourself with.

I wish we would make the time to do it more often.

Thanks for an really enjoyable evening :)