Do you have hope?

When you begin your day, do you begin it with hope or are you swimming in your troubles before you even open your eyes? Do you wake up with a sense that today has all the potential to be wonderful, or get out of bed dreading how many more problems will be added? Do you look out at the sunshine and take it for the blessing it is, or are you blinded to it by the cold?

Today as I began to think about what I wanted to write today, these are the thoughts that invaded my mind and troubled my heart. Why? Because most days I am swimming in my troubles before my eyes are open. I am dreading what bad things will come our way today, and yes, blinded by the cold instead of rejoicing in the beauty and hope that God shows us with the rising of the sun.

I want to have hope. I want to see the beauty in a new day. I want to look at my kids and know that I am a good Mom, and that they are happy. I want to really know God, trust, and rest.

Death and Life

On January 13th of this year, my Gramma passed away. On January 14th, there was a very real possibility that we had lost our unborn baby. Strange how different death can look. My Gramma was in her 90th year. Our baby still had 24 weeks before he or she would even take their first breathe. Gramma had lived a full life. Our baby's life had not even begun. Gramma knew such joy, sadness, love, worry, kindness, dreams, failures, hope and so much more, all the things you would expect to experience while living your life. Our baby would know none of these things. I love my Gramma dearly, and I will cherish the memories I have of her always, but where are the memories I am supposed to make with my baby?



I am the first to admit that dealing with being pregnant for a 3rd time was a huge struggle for me. I was sure that I was done, and I was happy with that. Being pregnant with the stresses of a husband out of work, fears of losing the house and the car, creditors at the door, and hoping there would still be food on the table, was overwhelming to me. However, the thought of now losing that child had me sobbing in despair. I pleaded with God not to take this baby away.



Thankfully, an urgent ultrasound let us know that baby #3 is doing fine, and I thank God for that. Our stresses are still the same, and still as overwhelming, but I now wait for this new baby with a different heart. I always wanted this new baby to have the chance to live a full and happy life just like his/her Great Gramma, but now I am trying to look forward to that instead of worrying about how we are going to afford another one, or where in our tiny house to put a crib etc.

The First Post of the New Year

I am finding it hard to believe that another month has past since I last sat down to write a post. There are SO many things swirling around, creating havoc in my mind and heart that I am finding it difficult to get any clarity in order to write about anything effectively.
I am in a state of struggle in so many aspects of my life and it makes even breathing exhausting.
I am going to try and get back to writing atleast something everyday. Hopefully that will help.

Melville Baby #3

Ever wonder what a baby looks like at 6 weeks + 6 days gestation? Well, wonder no more. This is our first picture of baby #3. Quite amazing that that tiny little blob will grow to be a beautiful little baby (or probably big in my case...the first two were 9lbs2oz and 9lbs3oz) in around 29 more weeks from today.

As much as the thought of having our 3rd, as we struggle with our current situations, is so very hard to imagine. I can't help but look at this picture and thank God for the miracle of babies. So fragile, so delicate, so intricate, so wondrously made.

How precious a gift.

And even though I struggle with all the how are we going to do this etc questions, I know that God loves me, and this amazing new life growing within me. He will provide. I need to just believe and trust Him.

****Our new addition is due to arrive June 30, 2009.****

Apology and Explaination

Today is December 1st, and marks the first day I have written a post in more than a month. My struggle today is where to begin. So much has been going on, what do I start with?

How about I start with an apology?

There were many of you that had taken an interest in my blog, and I was grateful to have found friends and encouragers to journey with. My "leave of absence" could very well have cause many to lose interest and move on to other blogs. I apologize that I left without any explaination, and I hope that you will find your way back to journey with me once again.

Today I will try and give you a general overview of what has taken place over the last two months, and in later entries expand on certain areas. So, here we go......

Back at the end of September my husband left his job. There is never a good time to be out of work, but the job was affecting every aspect of his life, and his health was become cause for great concern. We never dreamed that he would be out of work for more than a couple of weeks. Unfortunately, it has now been more than 2 months. To make matters worse, he is still fighting for his final pay. So income has been virtually non-existent.

This in itself would be enough stress to deal with, but as we neared the end of the first month, we found out that we are expecting baby number 3!

As I looked at the positive result on the test, I was overwhelmed. I looked up to heaven and cried out "What on earth are you thinking???!!!!!" I was flooded with emotions, and not one of them was good. So many thoughts were screaming in my head I thought I would go crazy. How do we afford another baby? Where do we put another baby? I don't have ANYTHING for a baby anymore!! I was done!!! Why didn't I push Gord to get snipped? This screws up my weight loss! I had just finally lost over 25lbs, and now I have to stop. I'm a horrible person because I'm not feeling happy that God has chosen to bless me with another child. And it went on and on and on.

I was afraid to tell my family. I was having a hard enough time dealing with it all, and didn't feel that I could handle the negative responses I was sure we'd get being that Gord was still out of work. For weeks I didn't tell them. They do all know now, and I am very grateful to say that everyone was very understanding and encouraging.

So here we are at the beginning of December. Gord is still out of work. I suffer with nausea ALL of the time, and need to take medication just to function somewhat normally, which really sucks. BUT.........

I feel truly blessed.

Over the last two months we have had the awesome priviledge to see God at work in our lives. We have been so blessed. We are so humbled by the generosity of family, friends, our church family, and complete strangers. We know that God has worked through them all to ensure that our needs have been provided for during this difficult time. I give Him all the thanks and praise.

Every day is a new day, and we have to believe that God does have a plan, and that as long as we trust in Him, He will provide.

I think this is all for today, but I promise to not leave it another month before I write again. May God bless you and your families :)

.....?.....

Sometimes

I really wish

God

would let me

in on the

"Big"

Picture.

Only a Moment

Hi Everyone,

I only have a moment, but there are a few things Iwant to say.

First of all, I have not had the best few weeks, and have not made the wisest of choices, and I am sure that I will pay for those choices today on the scale.

However....

Today is a brand new day, and I am choosing to do it differently. I will get back to being accountable for my choices. I will write everything down. I will use the knowledge I have instead of ignoring my own voice. I will make the changes necessary to feel good about myself again and I will surrender it all to God.

Everyday is an opportunity to learn more about ourselves. Today I will open my eyes, my ears and my heart.