Tuesday, January 27, 2009

Do you have hope?

When you begin your day, do you begin it with hope or are you swimming in your troubles before you even open your eyes? Do you wake up with a sense that today has all the potential to be wonderful, or get out of bed dreading how many more problems will be added? Do you look out at the sunshine and take it for the blessing it is, or are you blinded to it by the cold?
Today as I began to think about what I wanted to write today, these are the thoughts that invaded my mind and troubled my heart. Why? Because most days I am swimming in my troubles before my eyes are open. I am dreading what bad things will come our way today, and yes, blinded by the cold instead of rejoicing in the beauty and hope that God shows us with the rising of the sun.
I want to have hope. I want to see the beauty in a new day. I want to look at my kids and know that I am a good Mom, and that they are happy. I want to really know God, trust, and rest.

Monday, January 26, 2009

Death and Life

On January 13th of this year, my Gramma passed away. On January 14th, there was a very real possibility that we had lost our unborn baby. Strange how different death can look. My Gramma was in her 90th year. Our baby still had 24 weeks before he or she would even take their first breathe. Gramma had lived a full life. Our baby's life had not even begun. Gramma knew such joy, sadness, love, worry, kindness, dreams, failures, hope and so much more, all the things you would expect to experience while living your life. Our baby would know none of these things. I love my Gramma dearly, and I will cherish the memories I have of her always, but where are the memories I am supposed to make with my baby?

I am the first to admit that dealing with being pregnant for a 3rd time was a huge struggle for me. I was sure that I was done, and I was happy with that. Being pregnant with the stresses of a husband out of work, fears of losing the house and the car, creditors at the door, and hoping there would still be food on the table, was overwhelming to me. However, the thought of now losing that child had me sobbing in despair. I pleaded with God not to take this baby away.

Thankfully, an urgent ultrasound let us know that baby #3 is doing fine, and I thank God for that. Our stresses are still the same, and still as overwhelming, but I now wait for this new baby with a different heart. I always wanted this new baby to have the chance to live a full and happy life just like his/her Great Gramma, but now I am trying to look forward to that instead of worrying about how we are going to afford another one, or where in our tiny house to put a crib etc.

Thursday, January 8, 2009

The First Post of the New Year

I am finding it hard to believe that another month has past since I last sat down to write a post. There are SO many things swirling around, creating havoc in my mind and heart that I am finding it difficult to get any clarity in order to write about anything effectively.
I am in a state of struggle in so many aspects of my life and it makes even breathing exhausting.
I am going to try and get back to writing atleast something everyday. Hopefully that will help.