Thursday, May 14, 2009

If I'm Being Honest...

If I am being honest, I'm afraid.

I'm sitting here feeling "Isaac" move inside me, and I know, without the ultrasound I have to have next week, that he is breech.

Once I have the ultrasound for the doctor's to confirm it, then they book me into the hospital to try and turn him.

They do this in the hospital just in case he doesn't handle it well and they have to take him by c-section.

If I am being totally honest, I am afraid.

I keep saying I'm okay, that whatever happens is what is supposed to happen and that I know God is in control and knows exactly how it will all turn out....but I'm afraid.

What if's scream through my head, and I'm afraid.

I'm afraid.

Friday, April 24, 2009

In 8 days Gord will hop on a plane and start his new job, and our month apart. So many things are running through my head. How grateful we are that he has found a job. How much we will all miss each other. That in a rather short time this job has the potential to get us out of the hole for a change. That the Lord will provide me with everything I need to get through the month on my own. And so on, and so on...

But, the one thing that has been on my mind and heart for the last couple of days is how blessed I have been to have him home. Has it been difficult these last seven plus months with everything we have had to deal with? Absolutely, and I am very thankful to be seeing a little light at the end of the tunnel. But there have been some great parts over these months too.

Gord was a huge help the first four months of my pregnancy when nausea was a horrible 24/7 trial, and he continues to be so even though my nausea is gone. Now he enables me to nap almost every day. He and the boys have very much enjoyed being able to be together, to play, laugh and have tickle fights. They really like when they get to go out with one of us one on one. It doesn't even have to be a long outing, just that little bit of time when its just one of them and one of us is very special. Gabe loves when Gord is the one to take him to school or pick him up. Its really nice to have the opportunity for things like that to happen.

I think my favourite time over these months has been our night time routine. The boys have always been good about bed time, but it has been extra special to be able to share that time together. The boys are in their pj's and sitting on their beds, stories are done, the daily passage from their Children's Bible has been read and we are on their beds ready to say prayers. We have 3 that we say every night. I love listening to them. This is one thing we are going to try and continue even with Gord being away using webcams...I am hoping that it works well.
I really do feel blessed. I have loved being able to share "every day" life with Gord in a way that we never have before. It has also given he and I much more time to enjoy each other, more time to be intimate, more time to be a family. Its a part of this journey that I will cherish.

As we get ready to start this next stage in our journey I am thankful that we have had this time, and hope that it will encourage us to do whatever it takes to keep some of those special things as an important part of who we are as a family.

Monday, April 13, 2009

A Picture of the Baby

The other day I decided to take the plunge. I asked Gabe if he would like to see a picture of what the baby looks like right now in my belly. He thought that would be cool and hopped up beside me on the bed to take a look at the image on my computer screen.

His first question was if we could turn the baby the right way up. We talked a little about the baby moving around right now, but that the baby has to be head down when it comes time to be born.

All the while I was waiting for him to ask me more about how the baby comes out and hoping that I would come up with the appropriate things to say.

His next question was if I could show him another picture. I said sure and asked him what he would like to see a picture of? What he said was this....

Oh maybe a car or something?

LOL! Guess the tool question wasn't on his mind that day. I'll take the reprieve though!

Thursday, April 9, 2009

But What Kind of Tools Does He Use?

Being pregnant with Baby #3 has come with questions from our other two kids, mostly from our five year old. Most have been about how long it will take for the baby to get here. However, one day Gabe asked me how the baby gets out.
When my sister was pregnant with her second daughter, her first was five...same age as Gabe. I remembered her being asked this same question, and her simple answer was that the doctor helped mommy get the baby out. So, I thought this would be a great answer.
Gabe didn't think so.
The response I got was..."But how mommy? What kind of tools does he use?"

UMMMMMMM? What do you say to that?

Thank goodness it was bedtime and I was able to say that we would talk about it another day. I am even more grateful that he hasn't brought it up again. However, the closer we get to baby's due date, I am sure that it will be.

Were you asked similar questions? What did you say?

Friday, March 27, 2009

March Break 2009

So, it has only taken me a week to get to posting about March Break. Guess that's not too bad. The boys and I spent the week with my younger sister Jyll and her family in Alliston.

What logic was I using that would make me think that taking my two LOUD boys and adding them to her 3 girls...who can be just as loud, would make for a good, quiet, relaxing VACATION?!!

It is only because of faces like this....

LOL, you have got to love her!!! This is Piper. She is one of my precious nieces, and is 7 months younger than Zach. There were only a few struggles between the two of them...mostly resulting from both wanting the same toy at the same time. But, give them some chocolate milk and the Backyardigans, and moments like this happen.
Only once during the whole week did we manage to get all five sitting on the couch quietly watching something on the tv. I had to get a picture to prove that it did happen....

....and no, they weren't drugged!! (not even bribed!!) Now, I don't think it lasted for more than 10 minutes, but hey, with 5 kids in the house you take any 10 minutes you can get.

I am going to pause here and give a "Shout Out" to a girlfriend of mine who....God Bless Her....has 7 children. She is my hero, and after this March Break week, I have an even greater respect for her. She also homeschools them all! She is a shining example of the kind of Mom you can be if you give it all to God. I am blessed to call her friend.

Now, back to the chaos.

Truthfully, it really was a good week. They all...for the most along.
All of them, except Piper, slept in the same room every night, which was awesome for me!
Delaney, my 10 year old neice was a HUGE help. She even took all the kids downstairs most of the mornings and kept them occupied to let her mom and I catch a few extra winks. She did crack me up the one morning when I overheard her ask the group of them if they were ready for Dance class. Should have snuck in for a picture, but alas, resting in bed was worth more to me at that particular moment. It did give me quite the chuckle though.

Gabe, Aubree, and Delaney went to Gymnastics Camp one of the days. Some of the highlights were the grasshoppers they made and Gabe and Delaney won a game of Hide and Seek. Jyll and I enjoyed a nap with the younger ones that day.

Here are some pictures of all five doing some Finger painting. They all did a great job. I was impressed with how clean they stayed. I wasn't so impressed with the colours of the Crayola finger paints though. They were so dull. The kids didn't seem to notice or care, but I am definitely going to try and get some better paints for next time.

We did manage to get them outside once or twice. Not the warmest/driest weather, but they did enjoy some basketball with Auntie Jyllie/Mom.

Now, just before I end this post, I had to add these last two pictures. Zach loves to put things on his head. Doesn't matter if it is a hat, a bucket, a bowl, a pencil case....

or even a polka dot headband....thanks Delaney...LOL
Uncle Gord was very impressed.

Thursday, March 12, 2009

Gratitude Journal

What are you grateful for?

A couple weeks ago I came to realize that I was letting the negativeness of my circumstances colour everything else that was happening in my life.
I decided to start a second blog. A place to write down five things that I am grateful for in every day.
Some days are it is easier to come up with the five than others, but i am doing it.
It is a daily journey, but one that I am becoming increasingly grateful for.
So take some time today to think about what you are grateful for. If you want to check out my other blog, here is the link

Tuesday, March 10, 2009

Baby Pics

After four ultrasounds, baby Melville finally cooperated enough to get a couple more pictures. Up until this last ultrasound all we had was this picture of his arm. While it is a nice clear shot of his arm and little clenched fist, I was really hoping that we might be able to get a profile picture. I have a good profile shot of both the other boys, but this little guy is being a little shy.

If you look at this picture, you can make out the eyes, and nose as well as a hand up by the face. I will have to be happy with that, cause I think the doctors finally got what they wanted from the ultrasounds, so no more tries.
We do have a great shot of his spine though :)We are still trying to come up with some names for this little guy. Any suggestions?

Saturday, March 7, 2009

May I Sit Awhile?

More and more often lately i find myself longing for some quiet time. A few moments in the day where I can be alone, with no kids pulling at me, or yelling, no phone ringing, no "noise". Some time when I can just relax, talk with God, maybe read a little, just be able to hear myself think, and sort out some of the endless "stuff" that is always running through my head.

Usually by the time I get the boys into bed at night I am too tired. To try and read at that point is futile, I am almost always falling asleep before I even have a page read.

My sleep during the night is always interrupted, by either my bladder, the baby kicking, or one of my boys calling for me because their blankets are off, or a nuk can't be found or some other such thing. Lack of sleep is something I know I am going to need to get used to with another baby coming, but I just don't know how to find more energy.

I need some help. If you have found yourself reading this blog, please let me know how you find time for yourself in a hectic day. Where do you find the energy to do all that you need to do?

Tuesday, March 3, 2009

A Perfect Life

What do you want out of life? What would make you happy? When you picture your "perfect" life, what do you see?

I once thought that my perfect life would mean that I had a wonderful husband, a couple great kids, a nice big house, good jobs, the kids in whatever they wanted to be in, vacations every year, etc, etc. As we try to find our way through our current circumstances I am coming to realize more and more how much that missed the mark. That version of my life dealt more with what I would have, then who I am or what I stand for and believe.

So what is my view of my life in this moment?

All too often I focus on the negative parts of it. The unpaid bills, my lack of housekeeping ability, the overwhelming list of this that I should be doing,my feelings of immense inadequacy as a wife and mom, and Christian. All of these negative thoughts cloud what is important, and make me forget who I am.

God made me. God loves me just as I am. He looks past my sins and shortcomings and sees the real me, the one that has been made perfect by the sacrifice of Jesus Christ. He has given me much to be thankful for.

Today I will look at my life with different eyes. Eyes that are not clouded by my negative circumstances, and open to what is beautiful and good.

I would like to live a life that is pleasing to the Lord. To raise my children to know who they are in Christ, that they can be anything they want to be, and that they are loved beyond measure. To have a strong marriage that is full of love, and rooted in Christ. To nuture and build our family with love, respect, and hope. To inspire them and others. To give. Give our time, our love, our hope in Christ, whatever is needed. To live, not just exist.

Do I have any of that figured out? Nope, but if I continue to seek God, I believe that He will put all of the pieces together.

Friday, February 27, 2009

Praise You In This Storm

I was sure by now
That You would have reached down
And wiped our tears away
Stepped in and saved the day
But once again, I say "Amen",
and it's still raining

As the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper
through the rain"I'm with you"
And as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives
And takes away

I'll praise You in this storm
And I will lift my hands
For You are who You are
No matter where I am
Every tear I've cried
You hold in Your hand
You never left my side
And though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm
I remember when
I stumbled in the wind
You heard my cry
You raised me up again
My strength is almost gone
How can I carry on
If I can't find You

As the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper
through the rain"I'm with you"
And as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives
And takes away

I lift my eyes unto the hills
Where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord
The Maker of Heaven and Earth

A friend sent me this song by Casting Crowns. It is beautiful, and speaks to my heart.

Baby Steps

There are days when I feel so totally overwhelmed by everything in my life. From the state of our non-existent finances, no car, no job for Gord, and baby number 3, to not making time to be alone with God, not dealing with the boys very well, my house being a disaster, lack of organization, laundry and dishes waiting to be done, and the list goes on and on.

I start the day looking at the mess, move a thing or two during the day, and end the day still looking at the mess and feeling like a failure as a wife, mom, and everything else.
A friend of mine asked me if I had made a to do list? I said that my list would be pages and pages long. So she told me to break it down to a list for each room of the house, and just work at it one item at a time. Sure I had thought of that before, but ideas always sound more intellegent, realistic, and doable from a friend.

So, I have started my Baby Steps. I have divided all my spaces, and made my lists. Now to just pick which space and which item to start on.

Thursday, February 26, 2009

Your Comments Please

As you read through the posts on this blog, I would love to know what you think. Please leave a comment or two. Do you like what I've written? Do you hate it? Do you agree? Disagree? Does it make you think? Does it make you feel?

Will you take a moment and share in my journey?

Wednesday, February 25, 2009

Standing in His Glory

As I visit other people's blogs I have come to find that I LOVE when their writings are accompanied by pictures. Whether it be photographs, or cartoons, sketches, or clipart doesn't really matter. I enjoy what the images produce in me. It might be a smile, a tear, a laugh or an ache, but whatever it is, it helps me to feel alive, connected.

My own posts have become more than just a blob of words. I find myself searching to find images that will match what it is I am trying to say, and that will evoke some sort of response from my readers. I have pictures stored on my computer now just waiting to be used for such a purpose.

This is one those images.

I love this picture. I see that person as me, standing with my face towards the heavens, basking in the beautiful glory of God. His Light penetrating my dark places. His Love reaching through to find my weary heart. Guiding me back to Himself. Warm. Welcoming. It encourages me. It makes me want to get back to the photography I love but have forgotten for so long. It makes me hopeful.

What do you see?

A Nice Cup of Tea...

A nice cup of tea, and a moment of peace and quiet. Okay, well maybe not the peace and quiet part.
When I came home from picking up Gabe from school today Gord was enjoying a Green Tea Latte. Expressing my dismay that I was not brought a tea, he offered to make me one.
Well, he boiled the water atleast, then got distracted. However, being that the water had already boiled I figured heck, why not finish it myself then take a moment or two to enjoy it.
So, that's what I did.
With my tea in hand I escaped to my bedroom. Not that that is really an escape being that the boys were only 15 feet away in the living room hootin' and hollerin'. But it was nice anyway.
I sat back and took afew moments to enjoy sipping on that nice hot cup of tea, while reading a bit from a little book called Daily Inspirations of Blessings that a beloved friend had given me. Being that it was almost lunch time when I sat down, a book like that comes in handy as each section only takes a couple of minutes to read.
One of the scripture verses that went with the reading was Jeremiah 29:11, "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord,"plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." This is a favourite verse of another friend of mine. She takes great comfort in it. I, on the other hand, have struggled to believe it as we trudge through our current circumstances. But today, another thought has made its way into my head.
Do I believe the Bible is real? Do I believe that what it says is true? Do I believe that God really exists?
My answers are, that being said, then I must believe the words of this verse as well. I can't believe that only parts of the Bible are true, or none of it would be. So, does God truly have a plan for me? He must. Do I see it? Nope. Do I feel it? Nope. But i'll have to choose to believe it.
I think i'll go make myself another cup of tea, and maybe grab some of that peace and quiet.

Thursday, February 19, 2009

Do something different today

Today I thought i would try and take a different approach. I decided to open my bible, find a verse, and try and figure out what it is saying to me.

I opened my bible, flipped through some pages, read a verse, decided that I didn't want to try and figure that one out, moved on, and the next verse i read pretty much said the same thing. Apparently, it is a message I am supposed to try and understand today.

The verse:

Ephesians 3:20,21

Now to Him who is able to do exceeding abundantly beyond all that we ask or think, according to the power that works within us, to Him be the glory in the church and in Christ Jesus to all generations forever and ever. Amen

So, what might this be saying to me?

If I just let Him work through me, let HIM do it, He can do far beyond anything that I could ever do, or even imagine. Let Him do it, and give Him the praise for whatever the result.

As I sit here in our current situation, I find it hard to rest. Praising God when my life seems so upside down is a difficult thing to do. I know that I am to trust Him, and He will make it all work out but how do I trust He will do that for us as we are on the verge of losing our home, the car is already gone, there is less than no money in our bank account, and only a few dollars in our pocket?
Somehow, I have got to find that trust in my heart. That trust of a child.
I love the Lord. I need to sit back and trust that He does love me as well.

Wednesday, February 18, 2009

Fear and Frustration

As another day begins, it is hard to find any hope that things will turn toward something better. All roads seem to come to a dead end. Fear, and frustration are clouds that cover me in a darkness that seems to have no way out. As I write this I dread what else the day might bring. Yesterday we had to give our car back, Gord is still looking for work, and in the next 2 days we need to pay the mortgage payment we are behind, as well as many other things that will start to be shut off if not paid, and I have absolutely no idea where to turn anymore.

Our journey these last five plus months has been a long and extremely difficult one. Yes there have been some amazing moments, but they are being far outweighed by the enormity of all the negative stuff. We have been looking to the Lord to provide the answers, and trusting that He will work it all out. However, when at every turn you get pushed back, and pushed further down, and get further and further in debt with no way to climb out, it gets harder and harder to believe that God cares, or that He is even listening. It is hard to believe that God is for us, as foreclosure looms days away.

Have we made mistakes in our lives? Of course. Are we still making them? Absolutely. I am not asking that we not have to work for what we receive, but at this moment we are in desperate need of help, and apparently help has moved to Antarctica.

Tuesday, January 27, 2009

Do you have hope?

When you begin your day, do you begin it with hope or are you swimming in your troubles before you even open your eyes? Do you wake up with a sense that today has all the potential to be wonderful, or get out of bed dreading how many more problems will be added? Do you look out at the sunshine and take it for the blessing it is, or are you blinded to it by the cold?
Today as I began to think about what I wanted to write today, these are the thoughts that invaded my mind and troubled my heart. Why? Because most days I am swimming in my troubles before my eyes are open. I am dreading what bad things will come our way today, and yes, blinded by the cold instead of rejoicing in the beauty and hope that God shows us with the rising of the sun.
I want to have hope. I want to see the beauty in a new day. I want to look at my kids and know that I am a good Mom, and that they are happy. I want to really know God, trust, and rest.

Monday, January 26, 2009

Death and Life

On January 13th of this year, my Gramma passed away. On January 14th, there was a very real possibility that we had lost our unborn baby. Strange how different death can look. My Gramma was in her 90th year. Our baby still had 24 weeks before he or she would even take their first breathe. Gramma had lived a full life. Our baby's life had not even begun. Gramma knew such joy, sadness, love, worry, kindness, dreams, failures, hope and so much more, all the things you would expect to experience while living your life. Our baby would know none of these things. I love my Gramma dearly, and I will cherish the memories I have of her always, but where are the memories I am supposed to make with my baby?

I am the first to admit that dealing with being pregnant for a 3rd time was a huge struggle for me. I was sure that I was done, and I was happy with that. Being pregnant with the stresses of a husband out of work, fears of losing the house and the car, creditors at the door, and hoping there would still be food on the table, was overwhelming to me. However, the thought of now losing that child had me sobbing in despair. I pleaded with God not to take this baby away.

Thankfully, an urgent ultrasound let us know that baby #3 is doing fine, and I thank God for that. Our stresses are still the same, and still as overwhelming, but I now wait for this new baby with a different heart. I always wanted this new baby to have the chance to live a full and happy life just like his/her Great Gramma, but now I am trying to look forward to that instead of worrying about how we are going to afford another one, or where in our tiny house to put a crib etc.

Thursday, January 8, 2009

The First Post of the New Year

I am finding it hard to believe that another month has past since I last sat down to write a post. There are SO many things swirling around, creating havoc in my mind and heart that I am finding it difficult to get any clarity in order to write about anything effectively.
I am in a state of struggle in so many aspects of my life and it makes even breathing exhausting.
I am going to try and get back to writing atleast something everyday. Hopefully that will help.