Melville Baby #3

Ever wonder what a baby looks like at 6 weeks + 6 days gestation? Well, wonder no more. This is our first picture of baby #3. Quite amazing that that tiny little blob will grow to be a beautiful little baby (or probably big in my case...the first two were 9lbs2oz and 9lbs3oz) in around 29 more weeks from today.

As much as the thought of having our 3rd, as we struggle with our current situations, is so very hard to imagine. I can't help but look at this picture and thank God for the miracle of babies. So fragile, so delicate, so intricate, so wondrously made.

How precious a gift.

And even though I struggle with all the how are we going to do this etc questions, I know that God loves me, and this amazing new life growing within me. He will provide. I need to just believe and trust Him.

****Our new addition is due to arrive June 30, 2009.****

Apology and Explaination

Today is December 1st, and marks the first day I have written a post in more than a month. My struggle today is where to begin. So much has been going on, what do I start with?

How about I start with an apology?

There were many of you that had taken an interest in my blog, and I was grateful to have found friends and encouragers to journey with. My "leave of absence" could very well have cause many to lose interest and move on to other blogs. I apologize that I left without any explaination, and I hope that you will find your way back to journey with me once again.

Today I will try and give you a general overview of what has taken place over the last two months, and in later entries expand on certain areas. So, here we go......

Back at the end of September my husband left his job. There is never a good time to be out of work, but the job was affecting every aspect of his life, and his health was become cause for great concern. We never dreamed that he would be out of work for more than a couple of weeks. Unfortunately, it has now been more than 2 months. To make matters worse, he is still fighting for his final pay. So income has been virtually non-existent.

This in itself would be enough stress to deal with, but as we neared the end of the first month, we found out that we are expecting baby number 3!

As I looked at the positive result on the test, I was overwhelmed. I looked up to heaven and cried out "What on earth are you thinking???!!!!!" I was flooded with emotions, and not one of them was good. So many thoughts were screaming in my head I thought I would go crazy. How do we afford another baby? Where do we put another baby? I don't have ANYTHING for a baby anymore!! I was done!!! Why didn't I push Gord to get snipped? This screws up my weight loss! I had just finally lost over 25lbs, and now I have to stop. I'm a horrible person because I'm not feeling happy that God has chosen to bless me with another child. And it went on and on and on.

I was afraid to tell my family. I was having a hard enough time dealing with it all, and didn't feel that I could handle the negative responses I was sure we'd get being that Gord was still out of work. For weeks I didn't tell them. They do all know now, and I am very grateful to say that everyone was very understanding and encouraging.

So here we are at the beginning of December. Gord is still out of work. I suffer with nausea ALL of the time, and need to take medication just to function somewhat normally, which really sucks. BUT.........

I feel truly blessed.

Over the last two months we have had the awesome priviledge to see God at work in our lives. We have been so blessed. We are so humbled by the generosity of family, friends, our church family, and complete strangers. We know that God has worked through them all to ensure that our needs have been provided for during this difficult time. I give Him all the thanks and praise.

Every day is a new day, and we have to believe that God does have a plan, and that as long as we trust in Him, He will provide.

I think this is all for today, but I promise to not leave it another month before I write again. May God bless you and your families :)

.....?.....

Sometimes

I really wish

God

would let me

in on the

"Big"

Picture.

Only a Moment

Hi Everyone,

I only have a moment, but there are a few things Iwant to say.

First of all, I have not had the best few weeks, and have not made the wisest of choices, and I am sure that I will pay for those choices today on the scale.

However....

Today is a brand new day, and I am choosing to do it differently. I will get back to being accountable for my choices. I will write everything down. I will use the knowledge I have instead of ignoring my own voice. I will make the changes necessary to feel good about myself again and I will surrender it all to God.

Everyday is an opportunity to learn more about ourselves. Today I will open my eyes, my ears and my heart.

Be Responsible...

BE RESPONSIBLE FOR THE ENERGY YOU BRING.

This was a statement I heard the other day while listening to a "brain scientist", Dr. Jill Bolte-Taylor tell about her experiences before during and after suffering a stroke. She has written a book called "My Stroke of Insight" which is on the New York Bestseller List. The interview was fascinating, and I am sure the book would be as well, but it is the above statement that I keep coming back to.

Be Responsible for the Energy You Bring.

No matter what we are doing we should be aware of what type of energy we are giving off. When dealing with ALL people, regardless of age, ability, health, occupation, race, religion, or anything else, we should be conscious of what we unconsciously bring with us.

The energy I give off can affect people even without me saying a single word, and in turn, affects the way that people respond to me. But it doesn't stop there, my own energy affects me as well.

I believe that God wants me to pay attention to that energy.

Being a woman who has the tendency to worry about far too many things. I know that I often allow the negative energy of that worry to cloud every other thing that happens in my life. It makes me irritable, quick to lose my patience (especially with my boys), and not the person I (or God) want to be.

I have started trying to be concious of what kind of energy I am giving off. If I have Christ within me, the energy that I bring should reflect that. I am paying attention to how I react to the things that "set me off", and most importantly I am choosing to change the way that I respond. Instead of yelling as I do all too often (horrible, I know), I have been taking a step back and dealing with situations in a more rational, postive way. One that is more in line with the nature of Christ. Is it easy? Nope, but it has been a much nicer day without the yelling. Both for me AND the boys.

I Love the Fall

It is a crisp Fall day out there. Made for a chilly but refreshing walk this morning. Going to have to start wearing mittens I think. I love this time of year. I love the changing colours, and cooler temperatures. I love how God sets this beautiful picture for us to see and remember before the harshness of winter blows in. Providing us with fond memories of the kids jumping in leaves, the blessings of Thanksgiving, carving pumpkins, dressing the boys up for trick or treating, sharing hot chocolate and so much more. I always look forward to coming home and snuggling with my family. Here's hoping we don't get snow before December.. :)

Struggles and Hope

It is hard to believe that it has been almost 10 days since I sat down to write. It is not that I haven't wanted to, but when everyday life seems to provide more and more struggle with the dawning of each new day, I have found it hard to feel inspired to write.

However, I have missed it. I have missed my blog and the therapeutic sense of finding a coherent thought in the jumble that is my head on most days.

Today i past this tree and bench during my morning walk. I have past it before, and on some other occassion took this picture. Tonight I find myself wishing that I had taken the opportunity this morning as I past it, to sit for a moment. To let the beauty of God's handy work minister to me in my struggles. For if God can make such beauty come of some dirt and seeds, what beauty will He make from me?

It is hard sometimes to see your way clear to make lemonade when everything seems to be coming up lemons. To stop allowing the world to push you down, or crush your spirit. There is hope in each new day, in each new moment. The trouble is that we forget to look for it. We focus too much on the troubles we are facing instead of trusting that He has it all under control, knows what we need, and will provide the way if we only have faith.

Tomorrow is a brand new day. Will it have its own struggles? Most definitely. Will I let it control my day, my mood, my life? Nope, I have done that enough. Tomorrow the dawn brings new hope, and I will Thank God. For I have been blessed with 2 amazing little boys and a husband who loves me and whom I love. With God and them, any day is a good day.

Another week gone

I can't believe how fast the weeks go by. Today is weigh in day, and I feel like I just did it. I have no idea what to expect today. I had a good week, and added some more exercise, but my sneak peaks on the scale have not been kind. Disappointing. So, I am going with no expectation today and we will see if the scale is kind.

Sorry I haven't posted since friday. I was so proud of my last post I didn't want to do another one...lol. I have made a copy of that post and have it hung up so that I see it every day. Hopefully it will continue to keep me motivated. Thank you to those of you who commented on it. I appreciate them very much.

(Thank you to my hubby who had not read any of my blog up to now, but decided to get caught up on the weekend. He was up til 4 in the morning reading EVERY post. Honey I appreciate all of your support. Love you)

If I could write a letter...

As I took my walk this morning (which was a good one - felt great to be out there doing it today) I had the song 'If I could write a letter to me' playing in my head. It started me thinking.
If my 'At Goal' self could write a letter to my 'Right Now' self, what would I write?

This is what I came up with.

Dear Struggling Me,

First of all, there are a few statements you need to hear, and believe. Right here in this moment that you are in, YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL! YOU ARE INTELLEGENT! YOU ARE STRONG! Nothing and no one can change that or take that from you. Do you want to be better? Sure you do, and you will. I am proof that you did it! Do you struggle? Of course. No journey is without struggle. But you face them, and find a way through. There is so much I want to tell you.

Right now you are having a hard time with Life. Nothing seems to be going your way, and its tough, really tough. But hang in there. Good things are on the way in all areas of your life and so much more than just weight loss.

Remember that list of things that you want to accomplish by reaching your goal? You will be pleased to know that achieving them is a fabulous journey in itself. Right now you don't think you'll be able to run or hike or be able to keep up with the boys, but you will. You become an active, outgoing family. Gord and the boys have a hard time wiping the smiles off of their faces. You were always a good mom and wife, but now you can offer so much more. You get out there and DO, and what's more....YOU ENJOY IT!!!

You get to shop in regular stores. Gord says its a little harder on the pocket book now that you actually like to go shopping for yourself, but he couldn't be prouder of you for all that you have accomplished. He supports you all along the way. He is also enjoying the perks. *nudge, nudge, wink, wink*

Life is good. You know that shy girl you are right now? Well, you don't stay that way for long. Having achieved your goals, you are now motivating others to start (and continue) their own journeys. Imagine, YOU, the inspiration that others use to help them get to their goals. It is awesome! Your are thriving in your professional life as well as your personal and spiritual ones. God is so good.

Well, if I write much longer, you won't have anything to be surprised about. Just remember, every day that you get up and put on your running shoes to go get some exercise, you are one step closer to your goals. Every time that you consciously think about what you are putting in your mouth, you are one step closer to your goal. Every moment that you think positively and keep going on your journey, you are one step closer to your goal. Don't worry about how many steps it will take. Just KEEP MOVING FORWARD! You'll get there.

Good Journey Janessa, You can and are doing it!

Love always,
Your 'At Goal' Self :)

P.S. You now have beautiful (and sexy) "unmentionables", and oh how much fun that is!

Down, but Disappointing :(

Last week I had a loss of 4 lbs, so after doing almost exactly the same thing this week I had hope for another good week. That was not to be. Weigh in yesterday was a loss of .6lbs. Very disappointing, and hard to understand. Can mood affect the scale? Or maybe its my stress level? Regardless, I need some help ladies (and gent) I need some help getting out of my stress induced funk.

What do you do to help you deal with the stress and struggles life throws at you?

P.S. I am still grateful that it was still a loss. I have started to track my "Down..." on the left of my blog. I need to remember that 18.2lbs is still alot, and keep moving forward.

Hoping for 2.5

Well, today is weigh in day. I have no idea what to expect. I had a good loss of 4 last week, and my week was pretty similar, so I am hoping that the loss will be good this week as well. However, I just don't feel like it is going to be a good one. Maybe its because I'm tired, or because I feel blah, who knows. Time will tell though. I am hoping for 2.5lbs today which would put me over 20lbs with Weight Watchers, so any positive vibes would be appreciated.

I am off to get the boys breakfast, have a shower, and try and change my mindset.

I hope everyone has a fabulous day. Good vibes to all who weigh in today!

One of those days

There are days when I would prefer to just stay in bed,under the covers, and deny that this is my life.

Today is one of those days.

Don't get me wrong, I love my family, and for the most part love my life, but then there are the inevitable struggles. Right now I am smack dab in the middle of one of those struggles (not something I wish to discuss right now ), not anything life threatening or anything like that, but one that causes a whole heap of stress, and a worry.

It is at times like these when I am thankful for the faith I have in God, and the hope I find in Him.

Just me and the road

Today I had the rare priviledge of taking my walk....BY MY SELF!!

What a nice treat. Just me, my running shoes, some music, my water, and the road.

You would think that I might have used the time wisely to reflect on my week........

....nope.....

just enjoyed it.

It's a start

Well, I had one make it through the whole night, but the younger one was up at 1am. This time I decided I had to stick to my guns and make him stay in his bed. I can't complain if I keep bringing him in bed with me. So, He and I had a bit of a chat, he cried, I stayed in his room for half an hour, and he made it through til about 6. Not too bad.

I was so tired that I had gone to bed at 9:30pm, so I did manage to get afew hours of sleep in before he was up, and then another few before he got back up.

Today it is wet and yucky outside. Looks like no walk today. So, I will have to get on my gazelle or something before days end. This week I just haven't felt as positive as I did last week. I don't know why. I should be on a high after losing 4lbs, but I feel like I am dragging. I am still tracking my points, and getting in what I need to, but I feel just like this day. Blah.

Well, I am going to go do some housework that I keep procrastinating about. Hope everyone has a great weekend and stays focused on their goals!! Here's hoping for some sunshine tomorrow.

Please God, let them sleep the Whole night (and in their own beds!!!!)

What a horrible night last night.

I was up til after one in the morning...my fault for putting a movie on so late, but regardless it was very late when I went to bed. Within two hours I had my youngest son in bed with us, and about another hour and a half later, the older one was climbing in too.

THERE IS JUST NOT ENOUGH ROOM IN A QUEEN SIZED BED FOR FOUR PEOPLE!

My youngest pretty much decided that he didn't need to sleep after about 4 o'clock and kept chatting so that I knew he was still awake. The older one was curled up against one of my legs, and over the other one. NOT COMFORTABLE! By 5:30 I took the chatter back into his room to try and make him go back to sleep, and only succeeded in frustrating myself more. So, by 6 o'clock he and I were in the living room with Dora.

Needless to say, my morning walk was not high on my list of exciting things to do today. I had pretty much talked myself into taking Gabe to school then coming home and going back to sleep til I had to pick him up again. Then it happened......

I was getting them ready to head out the door, and there in the middle of the floor are my running shoes. UUgghh, now I have guilt. Oh alright. On went the shoes, and Zach and I managed to get in our morning walk. (thank goodness he couldn't hear the self talk going on in my head, cause apparently the part of me that wanted to sleep was NOT happy that my feet had taken control of the situation)

YYYYYEEEEEEESSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!

YYYYYYEEEEEEESSSSSSSS!!!!!!!

Weigh in was this morning.

I am happy to report

DOWN 4 LBS!!!!!!

That makes my BLBE first week 4lbs, and my weight watchers week 11 total 17.6lbs!

Finally got past the 15lb mark (and got my next 5lb sticker...wahoo! lol)

Aiming to get past 20lbs next week.

Its REALLY late, so I am going to bed.

GOOD JOURNEY ALL BLBEr's

He Makes Me Laugh

I am sitting here feeling a bit blah. I went and did my walk this morning, was a couple minutes slower than usual, and just not able to get in the groove it seemed. Even now after my shower, I still don't feel quite on my game. I have the urge to snack (have been drinking water to counter that one- working ok so far). I do believe that TOM will be showing up in the next day or two which doesn't help. Just feeling off.

But.....

Even in this blah state, my little boy can still make me laugh. He is standing in our living room watching the Wonder Pets. There is always alot of singing in the wonder pets, and he has taken to dancing during the show. Cracks me right up. I think he gets his moves from his Dad. You just can't help but smile and laugh.

*******************

Let it be over

Good morning! Well, it is monday, and I am nearing the end of my WW week. (I weigh in on Wednesday mornings). I am really proud of myself for how this week has gone. I look forward to being able to step on the scale on wednesday and know that I worked for whatever I get. Here's hoping for a good one.

Went for my walk with my youngest son this morning, and as I walked (he's in the stroller) I had one thought that was constantly in my head.

'Let this walk be over soon'.

I am looking forward to the time when I actually enjoy getting out and exercising. When I stop dwelling on getting it over with, and let myself enjoy nature, the time to reflect, and know that I am doing something great for myself.

Quite the Realization

Last night my boys and I went for a walk. My 4 year old rode his bike, and I had the 2 year old in the stroller. I was really proud of my older son cause he rode all but about 5 minutes of our 45 minute walk. It wasn't as fast as I would have liked it to be, or as long, but we did it, and that was what mattered.

This morning I decided that I wanted to try and get out for my walk before my hubby left for work. That way I could get out without the kids for a change. Well, between procrastination, a really sleepy hubby, and screaming kids, it didn't happen. But, I knew that I still need to get out for the walk even if I couldn't do it alone.



So, how do you occupy two kids in a stroller for a 50 minute walk..without letting them walk? They say neccessity is the mother of all invention...well, here was what I came up with.

One double stroller, two kids, 2 craft tables, some Colour Wonder paper and pens.

And they were still happy nearing the end of our walk!
(Which is remarkable when Gabe is technically too big for the stroller. Their combined weight is more than the stroller is rated for...lol. )

I, on the other hand, was thinking after ten minutes in that I might have been a little quick to put them both in the stroller as I was already huffing. Lord help me make it!

The realization I came to though is this. I was pushing a 29.5lb stroller, a 56.4lb four (almost 5)year old, and a 36.2lb two year old(122.1lbs in total). I carry more than that in excess weight EVERYDAY!! No wonder I don't have any energy, I waste it all just draggin my own body around. OOYYY!!!

(next time maybe we'll take playdoh!)

No More Good Luck

I have decided that I am not going to wish people Good Luck! anymore.

LUCK HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH THIS!!!

This is a choice! This is a Journey!

So, from here on I will no longer say Good Luck, but instead I will wish you

a GOOD JOURNEY!

Journey on my friends. Keep moving forward!

Excuses, Excuses.

One of the things we have been asked to do with our Biggest Loser Blog Edition is to tell what the mind tricks and justifications are that we use when we have "slipped". I have read several other peoples confessions, and realize how many people stuggle with similar habits. I am glad that I have found these people, and look forward to getting to know them better and to be a part of their success and them a part of mine.

With every week that I put in on this journey more is revealed to me. I know that I am an emotional eater. Problem is that it doesn't matter what the emotion is. Happy, sad, good, bad, it is all reason for me to sneek that extra bite(s) of something. I think that is why I chose to do the Weight Watchers Points Program. I have a set number of points to use in a day, and I need that guideline to keep me on track. I don't even mind counting the points. I don't find it hard, or a pain to do, but more of a constant reminder of what I am trying to accomplish.

Sure, that doesn't work every day, and my choices are not always points friendly. It is on those days that I have to stop compounding my mistake. I tend to follow my non points friendly item up with more non point friendly items figuring that I will start fresh the next day. (sounds familiar to alot of you I am sure) What I have been trying to do instead is to forgive myself for the wrong choice, and move on right from there in the right direction.

I have come to realize that every moment of every day I have to make a choice. Its not always about food, or exercise, it could be about my kids, about life, about God, but we are confronted with choices all the time. What I have promised myself is that I will continue to strive to make more of the right ones. The more right ones I make, the more right ones will follow. This journey is a choice, and I am glad I made it.

A committment

I made a committment to myself yesterday.

I made a committment to complete strangers yesterday!

And I feel GREAT about it!!!

One thing that I have done since beginning to blog my journey is looking for others that are on their own journey. While sneaking a peek at others blogs I have found wonderful tips and information, great inspiration and motivation, people just starting out on their journey, people struggling with the challenges, people who have reached their goals, and everything in between.

Yesterday I came upon a group of bloggers who have challenged each other to be the Biggest Loser. They have kindly allowed me to join them, and starting Sunday, we will all be kicking each others butts until the end of the year!

I am proud of myself (the non joiner) for joining. I am excited about the possibilities! My goal is to lose as much as I possibly can (since reaching my goal in 3 short months is definitely out of the question...lol). I know that I can do this. I AM DOING THIS!!

Compromise with a Two year old

Yesterday wasn't as bad as I had anticipated. I put on .6lbs. That first 15lbs evades me still. I decided to try a different tactic this week. At our WW meeting, we have something called the Travelling Tracker. This is a duotang that a different member takes home every week to journal what they eat, points, exercise, thoughts etc. Almost always the person who takes it home loses weight that week. Funny how the thought of someone else reading what you are putting down has a way of helping you stay on track. Anyway, I asked for the Tracker this week. Here's hoping that I can have a great week and break that 15lb barrier.

Zach and I went for a walk again this morning after we dropped Gabe off at school. It takes me a little longer to walk when I have him because he wants to talk to me all the time, and the stroller faces away from me. Add that to his mumbling and it makes it a little hard to understand him without stopping. Today he was a little out of sorts, so we had a few tears. Things got better when I let him play with my keys...lol...i kept checking to make sure he still had them. He also wants to walk, but I need to walk faster than his little legs will let him. So, we have compromised. We do most of the walk with him in the stroller and then when we get back to the end of our street he gets out and walks with me. It seems to be enough to keep him happy, and I still get the walk I need. We'll see how tomorrow goes.

Never did I imagine...

Never did I imagine it would be this hard for me to get to 15lbs. (which is only 1/10th of what I am going to lose) But man oh man! I knew that I had not been good this week, but when I stepped on the scale this morning and saw a gain of almost 5 pounds I was mortified!

Now, i could have taken that information and gone several different ways.

I could have thrown in the towel and once again given up on myself and losing weight.
(Been there, done that, NOT doing it this time)

I could have taken extreme measures and allowed myself only water today in hopes of maybe "fooling" the scale tomorrow.
(I am almost ashamed to say that I considered this option for more than a few minutes)

But the road I chose to take instead was this.

Keep moving forward.

I had some water and an all bran bar (the cinnamon oatmeal ones are really tasty- hard to believe I know, but they are) as I was running Gabe to school. Some mornings things just don't seem to go well, and we we're very late getting to school. But we got there before the morning announcements were over. Phew. I wanted to just give up and go home right then. But, I didn't. I had Zach in the stroller, and my 45ish minute walking route ahead of me, and I was going to do it no matter what. Some times it amazes me how negative ones self talk can be, and the legs just keep moving. I was a little slower pushing Zach, but only by a couple of minutes. I did it, and was really happy that I didn't sabotage myself.

Sure, its going to suck tomorrow when I weigh in and I am STILL fighting to get to that first 15lbs, but I have to step back and look at the positives. I haven't given up, and I am constantly learning about myself. I am back on plan today, and i will keep moving forward.

An the word of the day is UUUGGGHHH!

As I sit here to write this post I am suffering from conflicting emotions. The first one is sheer frustration. My house is completely in shambles. I don't think there is an inch of floor or counter space that is not covered in.....something...toys, papers, dishes, toys, recycling waiting to be taken out, clean clothes, dirty clothes, the new package of toilet paper that has been sitting on the floor in the kitchen for 3 days waiting to be put away, toys....did I mention toys, oh yes, and toys, shoes, backpacks, 3 boxes of pampered chef product waiting to be sorted and delivered, etc, etc, etc...and believe me there is lots of etc. Not only is my house this way, but my WW week has been horrible for staying "On plan" . I have found it extremely hard to find any focus at all or to be able to be constructive in any way shape or form. UUUGGGHHH I say!
However, then there are the really good emotions from time spent with family. I LOVE my family. It isn't very often with Gord's work schedule that we get to spend much time as our little family of four. I cherish the times we do very much. Even when all it consists of is lunch, driving in the car, some goofing around at Gord's work, dinner, and the drive home. It was still fun, and nice to just enjoy our family.
I LOVE my family. Saturday night I was able to go to the Gaither Homecoming Concert at the ACC with my two sisters, and my oldest niece. This was her first time going with us. I think this is our eight or ninth year going. What a great night! Hours of wonderful music, praise to God, and a great time with my sisters. For those hours I was able to get lost in the music and feel the Spirit of God move among many (and not have to think about the chaos that is my house).
So, now it is Monday. It's now 6:10pm, and I still haven't managed to gain much focus, but I am about to attempt to find some order within this chaos. Wish me luck.
Tomorrow I must get back OP. A week without exercise, not enough water, and too many over-point days is probably not going to make it very easy to reach that darn 15lb mark!
.....Again I say....UUUUUGGGHHHH.

Not enough for a sticker :(

Well, weigh-in this week was a little disappointing. I had been aiming for 2 lbs, and only achieved 1.2. I am still .8lbs away from my first 15 pounds. HOWEVER, it is still going down, and I need to be happy with that. I shouldn't have any trouble reaching my 15 next week, and if continue at that rate and do the math, that is...

15 lbs in 10 weeks

30 lbs in 20 weeks

45 lbs in 30 weeks

60 lbs in 40 weeks

75 lbs in 50 weeks..........nothing to be upset about!!

Darkness to Life?

WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?

Since I began writing this blog I have been asked numerous times why i named it as I did. To put it simply, it expresses how I feel. This journey is about finding the me that I lost...or that maybe I never really knew.....

Who am I?

I am a wife, a mother, a daughter, a daughter-in-law, a grand daughter, a sister, a sister -in-law, a niece, a great-niece, an aunt, a cousin. I am a friend, an employee, a co-worker, a homemaker, a believer. I am a lover, a confidant, a sounding board, a fixer of boo boos, a dryer of tears, a reader of bedtime stories, a cook, a handy woman, a taxi service, an errand-girl.....

Yes, I am all of those things and more, but who am I?

If you asked me right now, how would I describe myself?

My name is Janessa Victoria Melville. I am 36 years old. I have been married for 16 years to a good man. We've struggled, and continue to struggle in some ways, but we've stuck together. We have two young boys that are a beautiful gift from God. I am a stay at home mom who struggles daily. I work part time for a Lovable Labels, and enjoy my one day a week in the office, and the chance to be kid free for several consecutive hours. I am horribly overweight and have struggle with it for more years than I care to mention. I don't feel I do anything very well. My house is usually untidy, the laundry and dishes seem to pile up, and among other things, my kids don't get bathed as often as they should. I yell too much, and read too little. I allow fear and embarrassment to keep me shackled.

And I cry.

I cry at the thought of coming to the end of my life and looking back with regret. To look back and see a scared little girl who never took chances, didn't stand up and be counted, didn't reach out and try, who allowed herself to continuously be swallowed deeper and deeper into the darkness that she once felt safe in cause its safer and easier to stay in the shadows than to try and risk failure. A lost soul who doesn't seek, because she's afraid of what she'll find.

And I'm tired.

I'm tired of being that person. I am tired of the captivity of this body and mind. My obesity is a prison, not a refuge. It once allowed me to hid, allowed me to not participate. But now, it keeps me chained and I am forced to watch from the sidelines as life passes me by. I have hidden for so long behind doing and saying what I thought others wanted of me that I don't think that I even know who Janessa really is?

But I do know this.

I want to find her. I want to break free of all that keeps me bound. I want to have that which clouds my mind, lifted. To show my boys and my husband a mom and wife who loves them enough to want to be so much better. To love deeper. To LIVE life, not just exist. To dream, but to then get out there and make it happen. To grow in my faith. I believe, but I want to feel Him, know Him, trust Him, and share it all.

I want to go from Darkness to LIFE!

But its hard. Going to Weight Watchers is just one little step in my journey. I have so much to learn, its hard to know where and how to start. The darkness is hard to step out of. But, I'll just keep taking one step forward. I am blessed every day that I get to wake up, hug my family and journey on.

A Different Perspective

My apologies for the lack in postings. The last couple of days have been a little busy.

So, with no further delay, here we go.

I have to say, I Love My WW Meetings! Not once in the last 9 wednesdays have I not wanted to go. I look forward to it, even if I don't feel I have done well that week. I am grateful for the other members that show up at the 10am meeting and share how their week has gone. This week was no different.

I arrived just before 10 to do my weigh in before the meeting. Down another 1.8 pounds bringing my 8 week total to 13lbs. Not the 3+ I was trying for, but hopefully next week i'll make it to 15 or beyond (and that next 5lb sticker).

So, our meeting starts and those of us who have been attending during the summer are rewarded with a sticker for our bookmarks (wahoo, not a 5 pounder, but I'll take it...lol). Then we move on to the sharing part of our meeting. A few people share about how their week went, and a few good questions are asked. (We are also reminded that there are no silly questions...a few more questions come out....none of which are silly) but this week we have a celebration to share. One of our members has gone Lifetime!

What this means is that she has reached her goal. As we applaud for her I can't help but think that someday that will be me up there enjoying that moment. The leader asks her a few questions about her journey, but the one that caught my attention was when she asked her how much she had lost. This member has lost 21 lbs. Now in my head i'm thinking...Great! I only have to lose 6 or 7 times what this woman has. OOYYYY!!!! But, then it happens.......

....as she continues to talk she says that it took her more than a year to lose those 21 lbs.

In an instant my perspective changed. All of a sudden I was proud of my 13 lbs in 8weeks. (which I really hadn't been up until now) No longer did my 13 lbs seem like such a small amount. I realized that I AM doing okay. Sure I'd like it to be faster, but really, its okay. I am losing it, and as long as I keep my focus, I will continue to do so. I will be able to look back in another 8 weeks and see a loss of 20-30lbs...what change in perspective will that bring? I look forward to finding out.

Bring on the next meeting.

P.S. Thanks for checking up on me Erika!

A Hard Week

This has been a hard week. With the addition of my 18 month old neice for a few days, and the normal unpredictable nature of normal everyday life, this week has not been what I had hoped for. With a couple days of missed exercise, and a couple of POINTS heavy days, i'm afraid that my vision of another 5 lb sticker is fading quickly.

But.....I'll get it back. I used to allow myself to give up. No more. This is a journey. I don't have to be perfect. Lord knows I can't be. In the words of Walt Disney, I just have to "keep moving forward". I need to forgive my mistakes, learn from them, forget them, and take another step in the right direction. Moment by moment, day by day, one step after another. I will get there.

With every day that passes I learn more about what works for me and what doesn't. As I listen to others and allow their words to encourage and teach me, I feel more and more empowered. It is those words that I draw on when I look in the mirror and still see the fat girl looking back at me. I know that she will be there for a long time, but with every positive thought and action she has less of a hold on me.

The other day I heard author Elizabeth Gilbert talking about a situation where she broke down sobbing on a New York subway. Part of what she said was that she didn't want that to be her contribution to the world. That struck a cord with me. I don't want this version of myself, the unhappy, uninvolved, obese bystander, to be my contribution. I have so much more to give, I'm sure of it. I just have to find it. I know its within me, and that is some of what this journey is about.

I look forward to meeting me. :)

A Wonderful Evening with Friends

Last night Gord, the boys and I had the pleasure of a great visit with friends. We don't do it often enough, so when we do it is often a late night. Yesterday was no exception. We got together just before dinner, and enjoyed food, drink, conversation and watching the boys play for about 7hours (Well, Zach didn't last that long, but Gabe was still going strong when we left somewhere around midnight).

It is always a wonderful evening when we get together. Our conversations wind their way through a myriad of topics, some personal, some not, some full of laughter, some more sobering. We can say what's on our minds, and just enjoy our time together. There is no agenda, no ulterior motives, just four friends having a great time. It is a real blessing in a stress filled world to have friends that you can just be yourself with.

I wish we would make the time to do it more often.

Thanks for an really enjoyable evening :)

What's Your Motivation?

In the meeting this week our leader asked, "what's your motivation?" What she meant by this is, what picture do you see in your mind when you think about what you will look like when you get to your goal. What will you be wearing, what is the situation?

Her's was a tight black turtle neck, tight black pants, and black boots. She was effortlessly coming down the stairs to answer the door, opens it up, and the person on the other side would almost be speechless by how fabulous she looks. Has she ever actually worn that in the years since she reached her goal? Nope, but it did keep her focused on what she wanted.

Next she asked us all to close our eyes and picture our own motivation. Mine has always been seeing myself in a really gorgeous evening gown. Hair done up, beautiful jewellery, and the perfect, really great fitting, and totally sexy dress. But as I sat there envisioning myself at my goal, sure I was still in this fabulous dress, but what meant more to me was that it was my husband I was seeing with me. He was ever so dashing in designer suit and in a totally romantic gesture, he kneels down and raises my hand for a kiss, then holds me close as we begin to dance.

Okay, so maybe its just a wee bit sappy, but what the heck.

I am blessed to have a husband who loves me just as I am. My weight has never been an issue for him. What has always bothered him though is that he knew I wasn't happy. Anyone who has been unhappy with their weight knows that it can affect everything else. So, he was always very supportive whenever I attempted to lose. This time is no different(for him anyway - for me its very different). Every week I send him a message after my weigh-in, and he is always quick to respond with how proud he is of me and how much he loves me. Just thinking about it makes me smile.

As I said in an earlier post, I have TONS of reasons to do this. I am VERY proud of myself that this is week 9 and I am still moving forward and in a better place than I was in week 1. But one of the best things about doing this is that I know that when I get to the end of it and reach my goal, my husband and my little boys will be there to celebrate the victory with me. Not only will it be my victory, but their's as well as they will have received a healthier, stronger, happier, more active and involved wife and mom.

Sweet Victory

Well victory is certainly sweet when you are rewarded for sticking to your plan. After a week of making sure I did all the things I had set out to do, with the goal of reaching 10lbs lost, I have been rewarded. A loss of 4.4 lbs!!!! Bringing my 7 week total to 11.2lbs. (and another 5lb star sticker) YYYEESSSS!!!!!

The victory however is bittersweet. Why didn't I start doing this 7 weeks ago? There is a part of me that feels that I have wasted much of the 6 other weeks. I could have done so much better and yet I had chosen to not really give it my all. Lesson Learned!

So what's the goal for this week? To do the SAME thing AGAIN! I have 8.8lbs to my next 10lbs. It could take me afew weeks, but I am going to work hard and hopefully get another 3 or more pounds off this week. (3.8 and I get another 5lb star sticker!) Here's to making a plan and working it!

***************************************

DON'T QUIT!

When things go wrong as they sometimes will

When the road you're trudging seems all up hill

When the funds are low and the debts are high

And you want to smile, but you have to sigh

When care is pressing you down a bit

Rest, if you must; but don't quit

Success is failure turned inside out

The silver tint of clouds of doubt

And you never can tell how close you really are

It may be near when it seems afar

So stick to the fight when you're hardest hit

It's when things seem worst

That you must not quit

Author Unknown

Even small is good

It has been a good week. I have done what I set out to do, and am proud of myself for doing so. Tomorrow is weigh-in day. I am hoping that I am happy with whatever the scale says. Its not always easy to remember that even a small loss is a good loss. I'll let you know how it ends up.

Smaller Goals

Just today and tomorrow left and then I get to see if my work has paid off.

With POINTS in check and food tracked, water done, oil in, and exercise over, the last two days have gone well. Still working out late at night because of how busy the days have been, but that's ok. I actually haven't minded that. The only problem with it is that I can't go to sleep right after I am done which makes the night even later. However, with Jyll and the girls gone home now, I might be able to get my 30 minutes in earlier today.

I am really happy with the way that the week has gone. I have made better choices this week, and stayed focused on my goal to reach 10lbs. I know that I have to stop concentrating on the total amount I have to lose (which is alot) and give myself smaller amounts to reach for at a time. Ten pound increments seem like a good place to start.

At the meeting last week the Leader spoke about the need for small goals, and showed us the different things that Weight Watchers gives to its members for attaining certain goals. When you reach your 10%, which is the first goal alot of people use, you receive a key chain, at 25 pounds, 50, 75, and 100 you get circular pieces to add to your key chain, and a star piece when you hit lifetime. It may sound silly, but I am actually looking forward to getting those things. Heck, I like getting the little stickers for my bookmark at the meeting. Recognition helps, and to be able to have something to look back at and remember what you've already achieved is worth alot!

So, here's to really making sure my week finishes as well as it started.

A Good Day

Another busy day yesterday, and when I wasn't busy I had company, which doesn't make exercising very easy to do. So at 11:15pm I was heading back downstairs to get my half hour on the gazelle in. But, I did it and that is what is going to pay off in the end.

It was a good day. I didn't get my oil in, but stayed within my points, and got in extra water.. Here's hoping that four more days of this will let me have some success on the scale on wednesday. My fingers are crossed hoping to hit the 10lb mark.

Well, not sure where the exercise will fit in today. Jyll, Piper and Aubree are here to visit for the day. We'll see how it goes. Regardless, I know that even if I don't get my 30 minutes in during the day, I have the resolve to do it at night before letting myself go to bed.

Thanks to a Friend

Life has a way of getting in the way. Yesterday was no exception. I was determined yesterday to make sure that I countmy points, track everything I eat, drink all of my water, make sure I get my essential oils in, but most importantly make sure that I did some exercise. Well, I successfully counted my points, tracked everything I ate, drank all of my water, got in my oil, but after a day full of running errands, by 10:30 last night I had still not managed to fit in any exercise yet.

If this had been last week when I was "trying", I would have just gone to bed and not really worried about it. But, thanks to a friend, I had made a promise to be accountable. I didn't want to have to report today that not only did I not get in extra exercise to make up for wednesday, I didn't get any in at all. So, with the rest of the house asleep, I put on my shorts and running shoes and headed downstairs to put on a movie and do 30 minutes on my gazelle. I wasn't long before I was thinking that 30 minutes was going to take forever. But forever ended and I got off the gazelle happy that I had not gone to bed instead.

At this point it is after 11, and I was enjoying the movie I had put it. I decided that I might as well try and do another 15 minutes or so to make up for doing none on wednesday. I got back on and another 30 minutes later I felt good that I would be able to report success on all accounts today.

Erika, Thank you very much.

Today I need to make sure that I get in my exercise early as my sister is having a Pampered Chef Party at my house tonight, and I would prefer not to have to do another late night exercise. We'll see though. Regardless, i will get it in today too!

By the way, the movie was 'Because I said so' with Diane Keaton, Mandy Moore,Lauren Graham, the girl from Coyote Ugly who's name escapes me at the moment, Stephen Collins, Tom Everett Scott...and the best part of the whole movie....Gabriel Macht. My goodness he is yummy! I enjoy chick flicks, and this one was fun.

Words and Actions

After weighing-in and having my WW meeting yesterday I drove into Oakville for my day at HO(I get to work at Lovable Labels head office one day a week - love it!). The hour drive gave me some time to think and reflect on my Weight Watchers experience so far. My weigh-in was not as bad as it could have been. I had a gain of .8lbs. But it was the realization that came with that gain that is the subject of this post.

Up until this week, I have managed to lose every week except for the one that I stayed the same. They weren't huge losses, but every little bit counts, right? Sure it does, but letting yourself coast along instead of putting in the effort you know it deserves is just laziness. With my gain yesterday I realized that my words and my actions have been incongruent. I say that I really want this (and deep in my heart I really do), but my actions have not supported that statement. I have let myself be okay with the small losses because they were still losses, and heck, I really hadn't had to do much for them other than watch what I was eating.

It is the same with the exercise. I kept saying that I would TRY to get in 10 minutes a day...Try? Who am I kidding. I managed to try...once. If I really want to make my weight loss happen, then I am going to have to DO!! It needs to be a task that I schedule right into my day, otherwise I will get to the end of the day, and another day will have past without it. I just can't let that happen anymore.

Even though the gain was small, it had a large impact. I hated standing there on the scale and having to watch her write that number down. I was unhappy with myself. I looked in my tracker afterwards and in last weeks spot it says total loss...7.6lbs, this week its 6.8, and that is disappointing. I'm letting myself down. I'm sitting here looking at my boys, and I know that they deserve more from me. I need to show them that when you want to succeed at something, you have to work at it.

I have 3.2lbs to go to reach my first 10lbs gone. This week I am going to do what I know I have to and, God willing, maybe get to that first milestone. I WILL track everything I eat. I WILL drink my water every day. I WILL get all of my food groups in, including the 2tsp of essential oil. I WILL do some form of exercise EVERYDAY! Today I will do some extra exercise to make up for none yesterday.

NO MORE COASTING!

I want to go to my meeting next week and be proud of what I have accomplished.

Struggling

As weigh-in day looms less than 24hours away, I find that I have to admit that I am struggling. I have not been able to get myself organized enough to get everything done that I should be getting done in a day, spend time with the kids, do my Lovable Labels work - both HO stuff, and my business stuff, clean the house, do the laundry, dishes, meals, errands, exercise etc, never mind being able to have some ME time. As a result my weight loss is suffering. I know I can do so much better but I just can't get my momentum going. I am afraid that tomorrow's weigh-in might be my first step backwards. HOWEVER, it will not be a direction that i will continue. I have spent far too long being this overweight person, and I am choosing to not be her any longer.
So, this is a journey, and I will continue to take one step at a time. I know there will be more hard times, but hopefully that will make me appreciate the easier times.

My question for you is...."How do you keep yourself organized, get everything done, and still have time for your family, and for YOU? Suggestions always welcome :)

A Strong Desire

Every time I look at my boys my desire to be better increases. How can you not want to be a better mom, a better homemaker, a better role model, a better anything and everything when you have been blessed with such amazing treasures?

These two precious boys are a constant source of joy, and inspiration. (frustration as well, but that's another post) Being a typical mom, I want only good things for them, and to spare them from any hurt or pain. I want them to be healthy, to find joy, and to succeed in life. But I also want to try and teach them to not measure their joy or success by the world's standards.

There are nights that I lie awake wondering what they will be like as they get older. Will they do well in school? What will they want to be? Will they marry nice girls? Have kids? Did I do enough with them? Did I teach them well enough? Love them enough? Will they look back and be glad that I was their mom?

Life goes by so quickly, and I fear that all too soon my little boys will be grown and on their own. I pray that as my journey continues to unfold, that I will strive each and every day to be the Janessa that God wants me to be. In doing so, hopefully I can express to them how deeply I love and cherish them, and want to be the best I can for them. But more than that, how infinitely more they are love and cherish by God for just being themselves.

Gabe and Zach, I love you.

Where to start

As I sit here to write this post, I feel tired, lost, and disappointed in myself. I am looking around the room (for those of you that don't know, when sitting at my kitchen counter you can see my front door, side door, and back door....not much is hidden from view, unfortunately) and I'm almost overwhelmed by the state of my home. The counters are covered in "stuff" that needs to find a home. The dishes are only half done. Toys are littered across the living room floor and couch. The laundry is still sitting in the baskets that I brought it home in two days ago after drying it at the laundromat because my dryer has died, which means the dirty clothes are on the floor. There is one shoe here, another over there, a couple more under the table, none of which are where they are supposed to be. Bills, papers and receipts etc are sitting in numerous piles waiting to be organized, purged, put away, and otherwise dealt with. My work stuff is stacked and patiently waiting to be done. The dust bunnies are multiplying...darn bunnies. The rest of the house...well, we let just say that it seems the condition has spread.

Needless to say I feel like I am failing miserably at the housekeeper portion of my job. It is not that I don't want to do it, it is more about where the heck do I start. I get on a roll and get some of it cleaned up, but while my back is turned cleaning up something else, the area I just cleaned seems to have some weird problem with magnetism and attracts anything and everything from anywhere else in the house. CALGON! TAKE ME AWAY!!

In all seriousness though, this is something that bothers me, and I am determined to find a way to get my home in shape, and keep it there. I am sure that my quest to organized cleanliness will be frought with many dangers and the battle will rage for many days. Rest assured though.....I WILL TRIUMPH!!......my husband and kids on the other hand.....

Week 5 report

So week five ended with a loss of 1.4 pounds. Another step in the right direction. Slower than I was hoping, but I only have myself to blame for that when I haven't been getting in my exercise. I am hoping to see a difference at next weeks weigh-in with a conserted effort to get in atleast my 10 minutes everyday and a couple days with longer.

I am down 7.6lbs total in 5 weeks. That is 7.6lbs I don't ever plan to see again!

10 Minutes

I'm sitting here at the computer wondering where my time goes? In the last 8 days, I have only posted once, have not managed to do the 10 minutes of physical activity that I promised myself I would do everyday, and am struggling to recollect how and why my days just seem to disappear.

How ridiculous is it that I did not do my 10 minutes everyday? YUP!! COMPLETELY AND UTTERLY RIDICULOUS!!! It's 10 minutes Janessa!! Just do it for heaven's sake. It doesn't even matter what it is. Just do it! I know I need to, but I still allowed the days to go by without it. Here I am on day 2 of my next week, and did I do the 10 minutes yesterday? NOPE! UUUUGGGGHHHHHHHHH!!!!

Okay, here is my plan. I am going to stop typing, and do 10 minutes right this very minute............

...............................

........................................10 minutes DONE! See! How hard was that?

So, my goal for this week is to get those 10 minutes in EVERY day! E V E R Y D A Y !!!!

Good, but I can do Better!!!

Had a good weigh-in today. Down another 1.6 pounds which makes it a total of 6.2 pounds in four weeks. That is good, and I am proud of myself for sticking to it, but I know I can do better. I have not had much exercise over those four weeks, and I think if I had, my success would have been greater. SOOOOOOO, this week my goal is to start small, but be consistent. I am committing to myself to do atleast 10 minutes of "something" every day. If I can do more, great, but I MUST do atleast 10 minutes.

Also, anytime I feel like eating, I am going to make myself do something physical as well. Whether its walking up and down my stairs a couple of times, doing some jumping jacks, or even crunches. Every little bit will help me get that much closer to my goal, and will increase my ability to actually do other physical activities, and ultimately make me feel better. All good reasons.

Anyone journeying with me, I wish you the best this week. Try getting some extra exercise in, even if it is just 10 minutes a day like me. I would also love to hear what you do to get more activity into your day. Any help is always appreciated. Here's to another great week!

An Awesome Day!

Sunday August 3rd was a day I will not soon forget.

The Klager Wiens Reunion 2008 was a tremendous success.

As kids we grew up with the Klager Family. From the year 1966 to 1972 there was a child born to alternating families each year, with my younger sister Jyllian missing 1973 by only 17 days. They had one girl and 3 boys, while we had one boy and three girls. Over the years we have shared alot of good times, and some bad, but the friendships have always remained, but it has been along time since we have all been together. Almost 9 years ago some of us were able to get together. At the time, between the 8 of us kids, we had 8 kids. Now, in 2008, we have an amazing 24!!!! Yes, that's right, 24, ranging in age from 1 to 18!!! What is even more remarkable is that all 44 of the Klager and Wiens Families were in attendance!!! What an absolutely AWESOME DAY! There was loads of food, fun, and laughter. Truly we have been very blessed.

My only hope is that it isn't another 9 years before it happens again.

Phew! Tragedy narrowly escaped!

It was the morning of the weigh-in for my 3rd week. I don't mind telling you, I was NOT looking forward to it. After a week of being away from home a whole lot more than I was at home, and having the challenge of figuring out what to eat everywhere from Tim Horton's, to fast food, to regular restaurants, not getting enough water, and no exercise, I dreaded facing the scale. However, I was determined that NOTHING was going to derail me. I AM staying on this journey, and a few pounds are not going to get me off track. That doesn't mean I wasn't praying extremely hard not to put back anything I had already lost.

Ok, deep breath in.......let it out......here we go. One foot. Two feet. Ok Janessa, you have to open your eyes. PHEW!!!! The narrow escape from tragedy!!! What a feeling!! You'd have though I had won the lottery. Yeehaw! No loss, BUT NO GAIN EITHER!! Thank the good Lord!

I even shared the trouble of my week with my fellow WW's, (shocking I know...Janessa actually speak to people she doesn't know? How ludicrous a thought!) and received a star for my efforts...lol...GO ME!

Wow, time flys

I can't believe how fast time goes by. I doesn't seem like almost two weeks since I last sat down to post an entry to my beloved blog. Alas, 11 days have flown by, and I have not recorded any of it. Sooooooo, I promise to try and catch up.

A couple of days away

This has been a good week. On Sunday night the boys and I were picked up by my younger sister Jyll (who finally has her license - GO JYLLIE!!!) and we went to spend a couple of days with her and her family in Alliston. My boys LOVE being able to play with her girls. Zach still isn't quite sure about Piper, but everyone did pretty well. We took them to visit the ladies at our head office, played at the park, ran in the sprinkler, and made an even bigger mess of the basement. Loads of fun.

I really enjoy getting to spend time with Jyll. We sit up entirely too late at night chatting about anything and everything. (We were very productive though, and did our work while we chatted). You have to love my brother-in-law too. On several occasions in the past he has taken on all four of the younger kids to let Jyll and I go out. This time we were nice and had 3 of them asleep before we left. LOL. We went out and shared some great Spinach and Artichoke Dip at Crabby Joe's, and even splurged on a sundae as we sat and..yup you guessed it...chatted. (You would think we'd run out of things to talk about)

After our splurges, I was a little nervous about my weigh-in on wednesday. I knew that I had not gone over my allowed points for the week, but I did use my optional flex points. But I am happy to report that I am down another 2lbs! I walked out of my meeting, and felt good about myself. I know I still have a Backstreet Boy to lose, but I feel confident that I can achieve my goal this time.

Thanks everyone for your continued encouragement! It is needed and appreciated very much!

Reasons

Are there really any bad reasons for losing weight?

Does it matter how silly your reasons sound to someone else?

Does it matter if no one else understands them at all?

As someone who has a multitude of reasons, including some seemingly silly ones, I have to say that I don't think it matters one hoot what anybody else thinks about your goals as long as they get you off the couch and striving for your healthy weight and lifestyle.

Reasons to lose come in many shapes and sizes, not unlike those of us questing to be smaller. They are as simple as 'to feel better', and as life threatening as 'if I don't lose it, my doctor says it will kill me'. Thank the Lord I don't have the latter reason. However, I suppose, it would kill me eventually. Some are funny, others are sad, some everyone can relate to, others only mean something to you. In my opinion, you need as many reasons as it takes to motivate you to do something about it.

Me, yup you guessed it, I have TONS of reasons. Its funny how my FOR and AGAINST columns were in vast contrast, but my AGAINST list had always won the debate. You know, reasons like 'its too hard' and 'i don't have the energy or willpower'. Completely ridiculous! How do we let stupid thoughts like that keep us captive? Is losing weight fun or easy? Of course not, if it was we wouldn't have Obesity in epidemic proportions in this country. Is it time for you to get off the couch? Only you can make that decision, but my time is now. I will no longer be held back by the negative thoughts that I have. I know that those thoughts will continue to plague me, but it is my choice whether I give in to them or not.

I know you are dying to hear some of my reasons, so here are a few for you in no particular order.

*To be able to be active with my boys and husband

*To be able to shop at regular stores in regular sizes

*To fit on a roller coaster

*To not have my thighs rub together

*To not be winded walking up a flight of stairs

*To participate in my life instead of being a spectator

*To feel good about myself and the way I look

*T0 be able to wear a bikini (not that I will wear a bikini, but it will be nice to have that choice)

*To make my family proud

The last reason I will share with you has to do with my two little boys. Gabe started school this year, and every day I would take him to school and pick him up. Over and over again I would think about how mean kids can be as they get older. The last thing I want is to be a source of hurt and embarrassment for my kids. I don't want them to be ridiculed for having a "Fat" mom.

Reasons. These are some of mine. What are yours? What is keeping you on the couch? Better yet, what will it take to get you off of it?

OMG! I have to walk back up that?

Yesterday we took a trip to Niagara Falls with our boys. We were supposed to be going to pick up a car at another dealership to take back to Gord's work, but after stopping for 2 and a half hours at his work, it ended up that we no longer had to go. Unfortunately I had already told Gabe that we were going to see the big waterfall. We decided that we would go anyway since we were already prepared to go. So, off we went.

The drive wasn't too bad. The first half was a bit slow with traffic, but it picked up eventually. Then Zach, who had missed his morning nap and fallen asleep shortly after we got on the road, woke up VERY unhappy. Bawling child in car, we decided that we would take a slight detour and stop in at the Great Wolf Lodge to see what that was all about. Then had to stop for further directions after missing a turn that isn't marked (imagine). We stopped at a Tim Horton's, had a bathroom break, picked up some timbits and directions, and got back in the truck. Turns out being out of the truck for afew minutes and timbits made all things better for Zach.

I have to say that the Great Wolf Lodge is quite the place. Essentially a HUGE log cabin, they have rooms that will hold up to 8 guests, some having built in bunk beds, or a cool wolf den for kids. The lobby is setup with a nice big fireplace and places to sit. Apparently they have a bedtime story told every night in the lobby. There are anamatronic animals like wolves, moose, a bear, and even a tree. The tree, bear and a moose at the back end of the lobby will talk to you if you press the handprint buttons in front of them. Zach thought that was cool. Gabe took a bit to warm up to it, but once he did it was hard to get him to stop pushing the buttons. But the main feature is a huge indoor waterpark. Amazing. Waterslides of every shape and size, wading pools, and more. It was hard to pull Gabe away. Needless to say we think that we will try and arrange a trip there. However, it will be in the off season when prices are MUCH cheaper.

After spending an hour walking around checking things out, we got back into the truck and headed for the Falls. We drove past first which really didn't get the boys attention. They were busy watching Blues Clues. We choked on the cost of parking near the falls and decided to head back and see about finding cheaper parking. We went up Murray Street, and found a lot that was charging $5. Far better than the $20 they wanted down by the falls. We paid, parked, then pulled out the stroller and headed back down. As we started down the hill there were two thoughts running through my head. First, Gord don't let go of the stroller. Second, Oh My Goodness, I'm going to have to walk back up this hill!! For those of you who have not been to the Falls, some of the streets are VERY steep. Very easy to get down, not so much fun getting back up. Anyway, we got to the bottom and I didn't think about it again...atleast not until we were heading back.

The boys were quite taken with the Falls, and we even took the typical tourist pictures. We visited both the US and the Canadian viewpoints. Gabe thought it was raining, and just didn't seem to understand that it was the mist from the Falls. They loved watching the boats down at the bottom too. It didn't take long however for them to be ready to go. By that time it was already 6:30, and we still hadn't had anything to eat for supper. So, you guessed it, back up the darn hill. Gord took the stroller with Zach in it, and Gabe was walking with me. With every step I could feel my face getting hotter and hotter. (with any physical activity my face always looks like I have a horrible sunburn lol) But, we all made it to the top. At that point Gabe gave up and didn't want to walk anymore and got into the stroller. Maybe Gord will push us all up next time LOL. I think that will be one of my goals when I finally reach my goal weight. To walk up that hill without being winded.

Anyway, now that this blog entry has gone on way too long, I will finish quickly. Back in the car, find a place for dinner that won't cost an arm and leg or a days worth of points, not really that successful, eat, get back in car, drive home, put sleeping boys in bed, fall into bed ourselves. It was a good day. Nice to be able to spend some time doing something as a family. We don't get the opportunity for that very often.

Successful first week

Success, I am down 2.6lbs for my first week. Its not as much as I had hoped for, but I guess my hoping for 4 or 5lbs might have been a tad high. Even so, I am very happy with getting rid of 2.6lbs off my body forever! I am visualizing 2 and a half pounds of butter, and knowing that is gone is a great motivator. The meeting yesterday was fun too. At week two you receive a book mark to keep your "reward" stickers on. If you have a good week on the scale, or a non-scale victory, or something like that, they give you stickers to place on your bookmark. I received my first sticker for my good weigh-in. LOL. It does make you smile.

The leader yesterday (who is the regular wednesday morning leader-she was on holidays last week) lost 40 pounds 14 years ago and has been a lifetime member ever since. That's very encouraging to me. She lost the weight ( much less than I have to lose, but still) and has kept it off for all that time. I can too.

Yesterday was also my workday. I ended up telling the girls I work with about joining. Several of them are in the process of losing weight and getting healthy too. They were very encouraging. They are a great bunch to work with, and I hope that I have been an encouragement to them as well

Thank you to all of you. May we be successful on this journey together.

So, on to week two. This week my goal is to get in more exercise. I only managed to get my exercise twice this past week, and I know that I need to fit it in more. My challenge to anyone reading this....get out there and move more this week! Let me know what and how you do :)

Here's to a few more steps in the right direction!!

Mixed Emotions

Tomorrow morning is my second Weight Watchers meeting. My first weeks weigh-in. I have mixed feelings about it. I am happy with the way my week has gone, but I am a little nervous about how it will turn out on the scale. I don't want to have unrealistic expectations, but I hope it is a good result. Usually people have a larger loss the first couple of weeks on the program, and I don't want to just have a small loss. I know that I should be happy no matter what the number is as long as it is going down. I should be happy with the accomplishment of making the decision, and committing to myself to get it done....and I am happy, but lets face it, we are programmed to watch the scale. (and my home scale is nowhere near accurate or consistent, so it is just frustrating to step on it...which I still do of course...because you never really know what the right number is)

Anyway, time will tell. Here's to one more day on the program, and more steps in the right direction.

Journey Along with Me

When I considered starting this blog, I thought it was for me. A place that I could write down my thoughts and feelings in a nice, neat, and easy way. No papers needed - Lord knows there are enough "papers" in my house already. But, when I actually began to write it, I felt the need to have someone read it. Someone to give me a little feedback, some positive reinforcement. Sure, the things I write mean something to me, but I found myself wanting them to mean something to someone else as well.

My sisters were a perfect choice. They would tell me if they liked it. But if they didn't like it, they would still understand why I was doing it and provide that support that I felt I needed. They are true blessings in my life and they didn't disappoint.

My darling sisters, I love you very much. You are treasures in my life that I cherish daily. I am blessed to be your sister. Much love to you both, Always

With much thought, I have come to understand that this is not a journey I have to take alone. I have a VERY supportive husband and family, who will help in any way they can. I just have to let them in. But apart from family, there are also many others out there who are on their own journey, and if they might find encouragement and a little humour or hope by reading the triumphs and struggles of another, then I want them to read. So, here I am. I welcome all those who wish to journey along with me.

Small Victories

Last night I decided that I had to get out and get some much needed exercise. A couple of years ago I had a route that I walked regularly. So, I decided to try it. It is a 4.1km route, and I used to be able to walk it in 44mins on my worst day. I am proud to say, I managed to complete it in 47. Just 3 minutes off my old time (and carrying 50+ pounds more) Not too bad at all.

Thank heaven for small victories. They make you want to keep going. I know it has only been a couple of days, but I am happy with the way those few days have gone. One more day, one more step.

A HUGE STEP!

Today I took a huge step. This morning at 9am I joined Weight Watchers. I am signed up for the next 26weeks (which is the longest/cheapest you can pay at a time). I had made the decision to join awhile ago, saved the money, and arranged for my darling sister to come early to watch the boys. So, off I went. I was nervous. I wasn't entirely sure what to expect, and for me to walk into an unknown situation ALONE, is out of my comfort zone. I knew I had to do it though, and I did.

As soon as I got into the car to head to the meeting I had a lump in my throat. As I drove I tried to listen to the radio to take my mind off of it, which didn't work. Eventually I turn the radio off and spent the rest of the drive praying. I pulled into the lot and parked, turned off the car, took a deep breath, and in I went. I stood just inside the doorway and looked around, not really sure what I was supposed to do, but I was there, and that meant a great deal to me. A moment later another woman walked in. I recognized her as a woman I had served many times during my years at Black's. I was grateful for the friendly face. (Thank you Papa)She told me what to do, and with that I was off to register. There was no question in my mind. I was signing up TODAY!

After some paperwork, and paying my money, it was time for the first weigh-in! Ouch! I was not ready for the number I saw. Apparently my home scale is not as accurate as I had thought. But, it had to be done, and this is the last time I will ever see a number that high on a scale! So with that out of the way I sat down for my first meeting. (I'll tell you more about meetings another time) I walked out of there after discussing how to get started with one of the leaders (a lovely lady), got in the car, and let out a huge sigh. I did it. It may sound stupid to anyone else, but it was a huge deal for me. I had taken my first real step towards finding myself again. With some quick text messages to my husband and sister, and some wonderful words of support back, I sat and cried. Relief. Here I am, and I am finally heading in the right direction. What a great feeling.

An Okay Day

Well, Day One went okay. I got all of my water in, and didn't have much of an issue with needing to pee (that came at night when I was up 3 times). My exercise was a little shy of what I would have liked, but 10 times around our court was better than nothing. It was SO hot out there, my boys were melting into sweat puddles. I will need to do something inside if the heat stays this bad outside. As for food, I was quite happy with what I ate. I need to eat a better breakfast though. When you start to watch what you put in, you realize how many times a day you absent-mindedly pick up something to snack on. Now I have to make the choice to make better decisions.

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Here's some motivation for your day.

Whether you think you can or you can't, you're right!

I know I CAN!!

Day One

I woke up this morning, not really ready to face the day, nevermind the daunting journey that I have set out before me. Regardless of whether I am ready or not though, DAY ONE starts today.

So what are the goals for today? Weigh-in was first. FUN! FUN! I will record my weight once a week, and try to stay off the scale the rest of the time. With weigh-in now out of the way, the goals I will be pushing for today are to drink 2litres of water ( 3 will be the eventual goal, but since I haven't been drinking much water lately, i'll start with a little less so I don't spend my day in the bathroom). The next goal is to do some form of exercise. A walk, chasing the boys in the school yard, a workout video...something, anything!! The last goal for today is to pay close attention to what goes into my mouth and when. My plan is to keep a daily food journal to be able to keep myself in check.

I have set out my water, the first 250mls are done, and now the boys and I are ready to head outside for some playtime. Steps in the right direction. So, with that, my journey begins.

Jiggling Giant

How do I see myself? Well, most of the time I would rather not. I do not find mirrors or windows very kind to a person carrying extra pounds...and a lot of them. One can remain in a blissful state of denial without them. However, inevitably you will eventually walk past a shop window and catch, out of the corner of your eye, a stranger stalking you. Freaked out, you'll quicken your pace. You'll glance back at the figure who is still in pursuit, but they are now doing a weird jiggle dance. Horrified you'll try to go even faster, but fat and fast do not go hand in hand. It is then, as you start to breath heavy and turn to tell this jiggling giant to back off cause you've got mace, that you'll realize that the jiggling giant is you!!

Bliss gets replaced with numerous other emotions. Disbelief, embarrassment, disgust, an overwhelming sadness. How could I have let myself get to this point? That's the million dollar question, isn't it? It is not that I want to be fat. It certainly isn't that I enjoy being fat either. It is the compilation of a million little things all joining together throughout my life. Good, bad, happy, sad, in some way they all contribute to the view I have of myself. Sure, I know that my view is distorted. I know that I am much harder on myself than anyone else is. I also know that I feel overwhelmed by it at times.

I can make a thousand excuses about why I haven't started this journey earlier, but ultimately it doesn't matter. What does matter is what I CHOOSE to do today, and from this point on.

What is your choice?

The Beginning

Here I am. This is my journey. I am a woman who has been lost somewhere along life's path, and is ready to find herself again. I have been buried under an enormous 'weight' for far too long. My goal is to not only physically lose pounds, but to shed the weight of fear, embarrassment, denial, regret, and so much more. It has taken a long time to get to this point, but it is TIME!! I WILL NOT REMAIN IN THE DARKNESS ANY LONGER.Maybe by sharing my journey, someone else might find their way back to LIFE.