Tuesday, September 30, 2008
Today is one of those days.
Don't get me wrong, I love my family, and for the most part love my life, but then there are the inevitable struggles. Right now I am smack dab in the middle of one of those struggles (not something I wish to discuss right now ), not anything life threatening or anything like that, but one that causes a whole heap of stress, and a worry.
It is at times like these when I am thankful for the faith I have in God, and the hope I find in Him.
Sunday, September 28, 2008
What a nice treat. Just me, my running shoes, some music, my water, and the road.
You would think that I might have used the time wisely to reflect on my week........
just enjoyed it.
Saturday, September 27, 2008
Friday, September 26, 2008
I was up til after one in the morning...my fault for putting a movie on so late, but regardless it was very late when I went to bed. Within two hours I had my youngest son in bed with us, and about another hour and a half later, the older one was climbing in too.
THERE IS JUST NOT ENOUGH ROOM IN A QUEEN SIZED BED FOR FOUR PEOPLE!
My youngest pretty much decided that he didn't need to sleep after about 4 o'clock and kept chatting so that I knew he was still awake. The older one was curled up against one of my legs, and over the other one. NOT COMFORTABLE! By 5:30 I took the chatter back into his room to try and make him go back to sleep, and only succeeded in frustrating myself more. So, by 6 o'clock he and I were in the living room with Dora.
Needless to say, my morning walk was not high on my list of exciting things to do today. I had pretty much talked myself into taking Gabe to school then coming home and going back to sleep til I had to pick him up again. Then it happened......
I was getting them ready to head out the door, and there in the middle of the floor are my running shoes. UUgghh, now I have guilt. Oh alright. On went the shoes, and Zach and I managed to get in our morning walk. (thank goodness he couldn't hear the self talk going on in my head, cause apparently the part of me that wanted to sleep was NOT happy that my feet had taken control of the situation)
Wednesday, September 24, 2008
Tuesday, September 23, 2008
Even in this blah state, my little boy can still make me laugh. He is standing in our living room watching the Wonder Pets. There is always alot of singing in the wonder pets, and he has taken to dancing during the show. Cracks me right up. I think he gets his moves from his Dad. You just can't help but smile and laugh.
Monday, September 22, 2008
Went for my walk with my youngest son this morning, and as I walked (he's in the stroller) I had one thought that was constantly in my head.
I am looking forward to the time when I actually enjoy getting out and exercising. When I stop dwelling on getting it over with, and let myself enjoy nature, the time to reflect, and know that I am doing something great for myself.
Sunday, September 21, 2008
This morning I decided that I wanted to try and get out for my walk before my hubby left for work. That way I could get out without the kids for a change. Well, between procrastination, a really sleepy hubby, and screaming kids, it didn't happen. But, I knew that I still need to get out for the walk even if I couldn't do it alone.
So, how do you occupy two kids in a stroller for a 50 minute walk..without letting them walk? They say neccessity is the mother of all invention...well, here was what I came up with.
And they were still happy nearing the end of our walk!
(Which is remarkable when Gabe is technically too big for the stroller. Their combined weight is more than the stroller is rated for...lol. )
I, on the other hand, was thinking after ten minutes in that I might have been a little quick to put them both in the stroller as I was already huffing. Lord help me make it!
The realization I came to though is this. I was pushing a 29.5lb stroller, a 56.4lb four (almost 5)year old, and a 36.2lb two year old(122.1lbs in total). I carry more than that in excess weight EVERYDAY!! No wonder I don't have any energy, I waste it all just draggin my own body around. OOYYY!!!
(next time maybe we'll take playdoh!)
Saturday, September 20, 2008
Friday, September 19, 2008
With every week that I put in on this journey more is revealed to me. I know that I am an emotional eater. Problem is that it doesn't matter what the emotion is. Happy, sad, good, bad, it is all reason for me to sneek that extra bite(s) of something. I think that is why I chose to do the Weight Watchers Points Program. I have a set number of points to use in a day, and I need that guideline to keep me on track. I don't even mind counting the points. I don't find it hard, or a pain to do, but more of a constant reminder of what I am trying to accomplish.
Sure, that doesn't work every day, and my choices are not always points friendly. It is on those days that I have to stop compounding my mistake. I tend to follow my non points friendly item up with more non point friendly items figuring that I will start fresh the next day. (sounds familiar to alot of you I am sure) What I have been trying to do instead is to forgive myself for the wrong choice, and move on right from there in the right direction.
I have come to realize that every moment of every day I have to make a choice. Its not always about food, or exercise, it could be about my kids, about life, about God, but we are confronted with choices all the time. What I have promised myself is that I will continue to strive to make more of the right ones. The more right ones I make, the more right ones will follow. This journey is a choice, and I am glad I made it.
Thursday, September 18, 2008
Zach and I went for a walk again this morning after we dropped Gabe off at school. It takes me a little longer to walk when I have him because he wants to talk to me all the time, and the stroller faces away from me. Add that to his mumbling and it makes it a little hard to understand him without stopping. Today he was a little out of sorts, so we had a few tears. Things got better when I let him play with my keys...lol...i kept checking to make sure he still had them. He also wants to walk, but I need to walk faster than his little legs will let him. So, we have compromised. We do most of the walk with him in the stroller and then when we get back to the end of our street he gets out and walks with me. It seems to be enough to keep him happy, and I still get the walk I need. We'll see how tomorrow goes.
Tuesday, September 16, 2008
Now, i could have taken that information and gone several different ways.
I could have thrown in the towel and once again given up on myself and losing weight.
(Been there, done that, NOT doing it this time)
I could have taken extreme measures and allowed myself only water today in hopes of maybe "fooling" the scale tomorrow.
(I am almost ashamed to say that I considered this option for more than a few minutes)
But the road I chose to take instead was this.
Keep moving forward.
I had some water and an all bran bar (the cinnamon oatmeal ones are really tasty- hard to believe I know, but they are) as I was running Gabe to school. Some mornings things just don't seem to go well, and we we're very late getting to school. But we got there before the morning announcements were over. Phew. I wanted to just give up and go home right then. But, I didn't. I had Zach in the stroller, and my 45ish minute walking route ahead of me, and I was going to do it no matter what. Some times it amazes me how negative ones self talk can be, and the legs just keep moving. I was a little slower pushing Zach, but only by a couple of minutes. I did it, and was really happy that I didn't sabotage myself.
Sure, its going to suck tomorrow when I weigh in and I am STILL fighting to get to that first 15lbs, but I have to step back and look at the positives. I haven't given up, and I am constantly learning about myself. I am back on plan today, and i will keep moving forward.
Monday, September 15, 2008
However, then there are the really good emotions from time spent with family. I LOVE my family. It isn't very often with Gord's work schedule that we get to spend much time as our little family of four. I cherish the times we do very much. Even when all it consists of is lunch, driving in the car, some goofing around at Gord's work, dinner, and the drive home. It was still fun, and nice to just enjoy our family.
I LOVE my family. Saturday night I was able to go to the Gaither Homecoming Concert at the ACC with my two sisters, and my oldest niece. This was her first time going with us. I think this is our eight or ninth year going. What a great night! Hours of wonderful music, praise to God, and a great time with my sisters. For those hours I was able to get lost in the music and feel the Spirit of God move among many (and not have to think about the chaos that is my house).
So, now it is Monday. It's now 6:10pm, and I still haven't managed to gain much focus, but I am about to attempt to find some order within this chaos. Wish me luck.
Tomorrow I must get back OP. A week without exercise, not enough water, and too many over-point days is probably not going to make it very easy to reach that darn 15lb mark!
.....Again I say....UUUUUGGGHHHH.
Thursday, September 11, 2008
15 lbs in 10 weeks
30 lbs in 20 weeks
45 lbs in 30 weeks
60 lbs in 40 weeks
75 lbs in 50 weeks..........nothing to be upset about!!
Saturday, September 6, 2008
I want to go from Darkness to LIFE!
Thursday, September 4, 2008
Tuesday, September 2, 2008
But.....I'll get it back. I used to allow myself to give up. No more. This is a journey. I don't have to be perfect. Lord knows I can't be. In the words of Walt Disney, I just have to "keep moving forward". I need to forgive my mistakes, learn from them, forget them, and take another step in the right direction. Moment by moment, day by day, one step after another. I will get there.
With every day that passes I learn more about what works for me and what doesn't. As I listen to others and allow their words to encourage and teach me, I feel more and more empowered. It is those words that I draw on when I look in the mirror and still see the fat girl looking back at me. I know that she will be there for a long time, but with every positive thought and action she has less of a hold on me.
The other day I heard author Elizabeth Gilbert talking about a situation where she broke down sobbing on a New York subway. Part of what she said was that she didn't want that to be her contribution to the world. That struck a cord with me. I don't want this version of myself, the unhappy, uninvolved, obese bystander, to be my contribution. I have so much more to give, I'm sure of it. I just have to find it. I know its within me, and that is some of what this journey is about.
I look forward to meeting me. :)
Monday, September 1, 2008
It is always a wonderful evening when we get together. Our conversations wind their way through a myriad of topics, some personal, some not, some full of laughter, some more sobering. We can say what's on our minds, and just enjoy our time together. There is no agenda, no ulterior motives, just four friends having a great time. It is a real blessing in a stress filled world to have friends that you can just be yourself with.
I wish we would make the time to do it more often.
Thanks for an really enjoyable evening :)