Saturday, September 6, 2008

Darkness to Life?


Since I began writing this blog I have been asked numerous times why i named it as I did. To put it simply, it expresses how I feel. This journey is about finding the me that I lost...or that maybe I never really knew.....

Who am I?

I am a wife, a mother, a daughter, a daughter-in-law, a grand daughter, a sister, a sister -in-law, a niece, a great-niece, an aunt, a cousin. I am a friend, an employee, a co-worker, a homemaker, a believer. I am a lover, a confidant, a sounding board, a fixer of boo boos, a dryer of tears, a reader of bedtime stories, a cook, a handy woman, a taxi service, an errand-girl.....

Yes, I am all of those things and more, but who am I?

If you asked me right now, how would I describe myself?

My name is Janessa Victoria Melville. I am 36 years old. I have been married for 16 years to a good man. We've struggled, and continue to struggle in some ways, but we've stuck together. We have two young boys that are a beautiful gift from God. I am a stay at home mom who struggles daily. I work part time for a Lovable Labels, and enjoy my one day a week in the office, and the chance to be kid free for several consecutive hours. I am horribly overweight and have struggle with it for more years than I care to mention. I don't feel I do anything very well. My house is usually untidy, the laundry and dishes seem to pile up, and among other things, my kids don't get bathed as often as they should. I yell too much, and read too little. I allow fear and embarrassment to keep me shackled.

And I cry.

I cry at the thought of coming to the end of my life and looking back with regret. To look back and see a scared little girl who never took chances, didn't stand up and be counted, didn't reach out and try, who allowed herself to continuously be swallowed deeper and deeper into the darkness that she once felt safe in cause its safer and easier to stay in the shadows than to try and risk failure. A lost soul who doesn't seek, because she's afraid of what she'll find.

And I'm tired.

I'm tired of being that person. I am tired of the captivity of this body and mind. My obesity is a prison, not a refuge. It once allowed me to hid, allowed me to not participate. But now, it keeps me chained and I am forced to watch from the sidelines as life passes me by. I have hidden for so long behind doing and saying what I thought others wanted of me that I don't think that I even know who Janessa really is?

But I do know this.

I want to find her. I want to break free of all that keeps me bound. I want to have that which clouds my mind, lifted. To show my boys and my husband a mom and wife who loves them enough to want to be so much better. To love deeper. To LIVE life, not just exist. To dream, but to then get out there and make it happen. To grow in my faith. I believe, but I want to feel Him, know Him, trust Him, and share it all.

I want to go from Darkness to LIFE!

But its hard. Going to Weight Watchers is just one little step in my journey. I have so much to learn, its hard to know where and how to start. The darkness is hard to step out of. But, I'll just keep taking one step forward. I am blessed every day that I get to wake up, hug my family and journey on.


The Reverend's Lover said...

Keep it up :)

Diane Davis said...

you don't know me
i'm up too late
being a blog lurker

i just read this post
and cried

what a beautiful
and authentic
soul you are.

Taking It One Step At A Time said...

You are welcome to lurk. LOL.
Thank you for your comment. I appreciate it.