How do I see myself? Well, most of the time I would rather not. I do not find mirrors or windows very kind to a person carrying extra pounds...and a lot of them. One can remain in a blissful state of denial without them. However, inevitably you will eventually walk past a shop window and catch, out of the corner of your eye, a stranger stalking you. Freaked out, you'll quicken your pace. You'll glance back at the figure who is still in pursuit, but they are now doing a weird jiggle dance. Horrified you'll try to go even faster, but fat and fast do not go hand in hand. It is then, as you start to breath heavy and turn to tell this jiggling giant to back off cause you've got mace, that you'll realize that the jiggling giant is you!!
Bliss gets replaced with numerous other emotions. Disbelief, embarrassment, disgust, an overwhelming sadness. How could I have let myself get to this point? That's the million dollar question, isn't it? It is not that I want to be fat. It certainly isn't that I enjoy being fat either. It is the compilation of a million little things all joining together throughout my life. Good, bad, happy, sad, in some way they all contribute to the view I have of myself. Sure, I know that my view is distorted. I know that I am much harder on myself than anyone else is. I also know that I feel overwhelmed by it at times.
I can make a thousand excuses about why I haven't started this journey earlier, but ultimately it doesn't matter. What does matter is what I CHOOSE to do today, and from this point on.
What is your choice?