On January 13th of this year, my Gramma passed away. On January 14th, there was a very real possibility that we had lost our unborn baby. Strange how different death can look. My Gramma was in her 90th year. Our baby still had 24 weeks before he or she would even take their first breathe. Gramma had lived a full life. Our baby's life had not even begun. Gramma knew such joy, sadness, love, worry, kindness, dreams, failures, hope and so much more, all the things you would expect to experience while living your life. Our baby would know none of these things. I love my Gramma dearly, and I will cherish the memories I have of her always, but where are the memories I am supposed to make with my baby?
I am the first to admit that dealing with being pregnant for a 3rd time was a huge struggle for me. I was sure that I was done, and I was happy with that. Being pregnant with the stresses of a husband out of work, fears of losing the house and the car, creditors at the door, and hoping there would still be food on the table, was overwhelming to me. However, the thought of now losing that child had me sobbing in despair. I pleaded with God not to take this baby away.
Thankfully, an urgent ultrasound let us know that baby #3 is doing fine, and I thank God for that. Our stresses are still the same, and still as overwhelming, but I now wait for this new baby with a different heart. I always wanted this new baby to have the chance to live a full and happy life just like his/her Great Gramma, but now I am trying to look forward to that instead of worrying about how we are going to afford another one, or where in our tiny house to put a crib etc.