One of those days

There are days when I would prefer to just stay in bed,under the covers, and deny that this is my life.

Today is one of those days.

Don't get me wrong, I love my family, and for the most part love my life, but then there are the inevitable struggles. Right now I am smack dab in the middle of one of those struggles (not something I wish to discuss right now ), not anything life threatening or anything like that, but one that causes a whole heap of stress, and a worry.

It is at times like these when I am thankful for the faith I have in God, and the hope I find in Him.

Just me and the road

Today I had the rare priviledge of taking my walk....BY MY SELF!!

What a nice treat. Just me, my running shoes, some music, my water, and the road.

You would think that I might have used the time wisely to reflect on my week........

....nope.....

just enjoyed it.

It's a start

Well, I had one make it through the whole night, but the younger one was up at 1am. This time I decided I had to stick to my guns and make him stay in his bed. I can't complain if I keep bringing him in bed with me. So, He and I had a bit of a chat, he cried, I stayed in his room for half an hour, and he made it through til about 6. Not too bad.

I was so tired that I had gone to bed at 9:30pm, so I did manage to get afew hours of sleep in before he was up, and then another few before he got back up.

Today it is wet and yucky outside. Looks like no walk today. So, I will have to get on my gazelle or something before days end. This week I just haven't felt as positive as I did last week. I don't know why. I should be on a high after losing 4lbs, but I feel like I am dragging. I am still tracking my points, and getting in what I need to, but I feel just like this day. Blah.

Well, I am going to go do some housework that I keep procrastinating about. Hope everyone has a great weekend and stays focused on their goals!! Here's hoping for some sunshine tomorrow.

Please God, let them sleep the Whole night (and in their own beds!!!!)

What a horrible night last night.

I was up til after one in the morning...my fault for putting a movie on so late, but regardless it was very late when I went to bed. Within two hours I had my youngest son in bed with us, and about another hour and a half later, the older one was climbing in too.

THERE IS JUST NOT ENOUGH ROOM IN A QUEEN SIZED BED FOR FOUR PEOPLE!

My youngest pretty much decided that he didn't need to sleep after about 4 o'clock and kept chatting so that I knew he was still awake. The older one was curled up against one of my legs, and over the other one. NOT COMFORTABLE! By 5:30 I took the chatter back into his room to try and make him go back to sleep, and only succeeded in frustrating myself more. So, by 6 o'clock he and I were in the living room with Dora.

Needless to say, my morning walk was not high on my list of exciting things to do today. I had pretty much talked myself into taking Gabe to school then coming home and going back to sleep til I had to pick him up again. Then it happened......

I was getting them ready to head out the door, and there in the middle of the floor are my running shoes. UUgghh, now I have guilt. Oh alright. On went the shoes, and Zach and I managed to get in our morning walk. (thank goodness he couldn't hear the self talk going on in my head, cause apparently the part of me that wanted to sleep was NOT happy that my feet had taken control of the situation)

YYYYYEEEEEEESSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!

YYYYYYEEEEEEESSSSSSSS!!!!!!!

Weigh in was this morning.

I am happy to report

DOWN 4 LBS!!!!!!

That makes my BLBE first week 4lbs, and my weight watchers week 11 total 17.6lbs!

Finally got past the 15lb mark (and got my next 5lb sticker...wahoo! lol)

Aiming to get past 20lbs next week.

Its REALLY late, so I am going to bed.

GOOD JOURNEY ALL BLBEr's

He Makes Me Laugh

I am sitting here feeling a bit blah. I went and did my walk this morning, was a couple minutes slower than usual, and just not able to get in the groove it seemed. Even now after my shower, I still don't feel quite on my game. I have the urge to snack (have been drinking water to counter that one- working ok so far). I do believe that TOM will be showing up in the next day or two which doesn't help. Just feeling off.

But.....

Even in this blah state, my little boy can still make me laugh. He is standing in our living room watching the Wonder Pets. There is always alot of singing in the wonder pets, and he has taken to dancing during the show. Cracks me right up. I think he gets his moves from his Dad. You just can't help but smile and laugh.

*******************

Let it be over

Good morning! Well, it is monday, and I am nearing the end of my WW week. (I weigh in on Wednesday mornings). I am really proud of myself for how this week has gone. I look forward to being able to step on the scale on wednesday and know that I worked for whatever I get. Here's hoping for a good one.

Went for my walk with my youngest son this morning, and as I walked (he's in the stroller) I had one thought that was constantly in my head.

'Let this walk be over soon'.

I am looking forward to the time when I actually enjoy getting out and exercising. When I stop dwelling on getting it over with, and let myself enjoy nature, the time to reflect, and know that I am doing something great for myself.

Quite the Realization

Last night my boys and I went for a walk. My 4 year old rode his bike, and I had the 2 year old in the stroller. I was really proud of my older son cause he rode all but about 5 minutes of our 45 minute walk. It wasn't as fast as I would have liked it to be, or as long, but we did it, and that was what mattered.

This morning I decided that I wanted to try and get out for my walk before my hubby left for work. That way I could get out without the kids for a change. Well, between procrastination, a really sleepy hubby, and screaming kids, it didn't happen. But, I knew that I still need to get out for the walk even if I couldn't do it alone.



So, how do you occupy two kids in a stroller for a 50 minute walk..without letting them walk? They say neccessity is the mother of all invention...well, here was what I came up with.

One double stroller, two kids, 2 craft tables, some Colour Wonder paper and pens.

And they were still happy nearing the end of our walk!
(Which is remarkable when Gabe is technically too big for the stroller. Their combined weight is more than the stroller is rated for...lol. )

I, on the other hand, was thinking after ten minutes in that I might have been a little quick to put them both in the stroller as I was already huffing. Lord help me make it!

The realization I came to though is this. I was pushing a 29.5lb stroller, a 56.4lb four (almost 5)year old, and a 36.2lb two year old(122.1lbs in total). I carry more than that in excess weight EVERYDAY!! No wonder I don't have any energy, I waste it all just draggin my own body around. OOYYY!!!

(next time maybe we'll take playdoh!)

No More Good Luck

I have decided that I am not going to wish people Good Luck! anymore.

LUCK HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH THIS!!!

This is a choice! This is a Journey!

So, from here on I will no longer say Good Luck, but instead I will wish you

a GOOD JOURNEY!

Journey on my friends. Keep moving forward!

Excuses, Excuses.

One of the things we have been asked to do with our Biggest Loser Blog Edition is to tell what the mind tricks and justifications are that we use when we have "slipped". I have read several other peoples confessions, and realize how many people stuggle with similar habits. I am glad that I have found these people, and look forward to getting to know them better and to be a part of their success and them a part of mine.

With every week that I put in on this journey more is revealed to me. I know that I am an emotional eater. Problem is that it doesn't matter what the emotion is. Happy, sad, good, bad, it is all reason for me to sneek that extra bite(s) of something. I think that is why I chose to do the Weight Watchers Points Program. I have a set number of points to use in a day, and I need that guideline to keep me on track. I don't even mind counting the points. I don't find it hard, or a pain to do, but more of a constant reminder of what I am trying to accomplish.

Sure, that doesn't work every day, and my choices are not always points friendly. It is on those days that I have to stop compounding my mistake. I tend to follow my non points friendly item up with more non point friendly items figuring that I will start fresh the next day. (sounds familiar to alot of you I am sure) What I have been trying to do instead is to forgive myself for the wrong choice, and move on right from there in the right direction.

I have come to realize that every moment of every day I have to make a choice. Its not always about food, or exercise, it could be about my kids, about life, about God, but we are confronted with choices all the time. What I have promised myself is that I will continue to strive to make more of the right ones. The more right ones I make, the more right ones will follow. This journey is a choice, and I am glad I made it.

A committment

I made a committment to myself yesterday.

I made a committment to complete strangers yesterday!

And I feel GREAT about it!!!

One thing that I have done since beginning to blog my journey is looking for others that are on their own journey. While sneaking a peek at others blogs I have found wonderful tips and information, great inspiration and motivation, people just starting out on their journey, people struggling with the challenges, people who have reached their goals, and everything in between.

Yesterday I came upon a group of bloggers who have challenged each other to be the Biggest Loser. They have kindly allowed me to join them, and starting Sunday, we will all be kicking each others butts until the end of the year!

I am proud of myself (the non joiner) for joining. I am excited about the possibilities! My goal is to lose as much as I possibly can (since reaching my goal in 3 short months is definitely out of the question...lol). I know that I can do this. I AM DOING THIS!!

Compromise with a Two year old

Yesterday wasn't as bad as I had anticipated. I put on .6lbs. That first 15lbs evades me still. I decided to try a different tactic this week. At our WW meeting, we have something called the Travelling Tracker. This is a duotang that a different member takes home every week to journal what they eat, points, exercise, thoughts etc. Almost always the person who takes it home loses weight that week. Funny how the thought of someone else reading what you are putting down has a way of helping you stay on track. Anyway, I asked for the Tracker this week. Here's hoping that I can have a great week and break that 15lb barrier.

Zach and I went for a walk again this morning after we dropped Gabe off at school. It takes me a little longer to walk when I have him because he wants to talk to me all the time, and the stroller faces away from me. Add that to his mumbling and it makes it a little hard to understand him without stopping. Today he was a little out of sorts, so we had a few tears. Things got better when I let him play with my keys...lol...i kept checking to make sure he still had them. He also wants to walk, but I need to walk faster than his little legs will let him. So, we have compromised. We do most of the walk with him in the stroller and then when we get back to the end of our street he gets out and walks with me. It seems to be enough to keep him happy, and I still get the walk I need. We'll see how tomorrow goes.

Never did I imagine...

Never did I imagine it would be this hard for me to get to 15lbs. (which is only 1/10th of what I am going to lose) But man oh man! I knew that I had not been good this week, but when I stepped on the scale this morning and saw a gain of almost 5 pounds I was mortified!

Now, i could have taken that information and gone several different ways.

I could have thrown in the towel and once again given up on myself and losing weight.
(Been there, done that, NOT doing it this time)

I could have taken extreme measures and allowed myself only water today in hopes of maybe "fooling" the scale tomorrow.
(I am almost ashamed to say that I considered this option for more than a few minutes)

But the road I chose to take instead was this.

Keep moving forward.

I had some water and an all bran bar (the cinnamon oatmeal ones are really tasty- hard to believe I know, but they are) as I was running Gabe to school. Some mornings things just don't seem to go well, and we we're very late getting to school. But we got there before the morning announcements were over. Phew. I wanted to just give up and go home right then. But, I didn't. I had Zach in the stroller, and my 45ish minute walking route ahead of me, and I was going to do it no matter what. Some times it amazes me how negative ones self talk can be, and the legs just keep moving. I was a little slower pushing Zach, but only by a couple of minutes. I did it, and was really happy that I didn't sabotage myself.

Sure, its going to suck tomorrow when I weigh in and I am STILL fighting to get to that first 15lbs, but I have to step back and look at the positives. I haven't given up, and I am constantly learning about myself. I am back on plan today, and i will keep moving forward.

An the word of the day is UUUGGGHHH!

As I sit here to write this post I am suffering from conflicting emotions. The first one is sheer frustration. My house is completely in shambles. I don't think there is an inch of floor or counter space that is not covered in.....something...toys, papers, dishes, toys, recycling waiting to be taken out, clean clothes, dirty clothes, the new package of toilet paper that has been sitting on the floor in the kitchen for 3 days waiting to be put away, toys....did I mention toys, oh yes, and toys, shoes, backpacks, 3 boxes of pampered chef product waiting to be sorted and delivered, etc, etc, etc...and believe me there is lots of etc. Not only is my house this way, but my WW week has been horrible for staying "On plan" . I have found it extremely hard to find any focus at all or to be able to be constructive in any way shape or form. UUUGGGHHH I say!
However, then there are the really good emotions from time spent with family. I LOVE my family. It isn't very often with Gord's work schedule that we get to spend much time as our little family of four. I cherish the times we do very much. Even when all it consists of is lunch, driving in the car, some goofing around at Gord's work, dinner, and the drive home. It was still fun, and nice to just enjoy our family.
I LOVE my family. Saturday night I was able to go to the Gaither Homecoming Concert at the ACC with my two sisters, and my oldest niece. This was her first time going with us. I think this is our eight or ninth year going. What a great night! Hours of wonderful music, praise to God, and a great time with my sisters. For those hours I was able to get lost in the music and feel the Spirit of God move among many (and not have to think about the chaos that is my house).
So, now it is Monday. It's now 6:10pm, and I still haven't managed to gain much focus, but I am about to attempt to find some order within this chaos. Wish me luck.
Tomorrow I must get back OP. A week without exercise, not enough water, and too many over-point days is probably not going to make it very easy to reach that darn 15lb mark!
.....Again I say....UUUUUGGGHHHH.

Not enough for a sticker :(

Well, weigh-in this week was a little disappointing. I had been aiming for 2 lbs, and only achieved 1.2. I am still .8lbs away from my first 15 pounds. HOWEVER, it is still going down, and I need to be happy with that. I shouldn't have any trouble reaching my 15 next week, and if continue at that rate and do the math, that is...

15 lbs in 10 weeks

30 lbs in 20 weeks

45 lbs in 30 weeks

60 lbs in 40 weeks

75 lbs in 50 weeks..........nothing to be upset about!!

Darkness to Life?

WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?

Since I began writing this blog I have been asked numerous times why i named it as I did. To put it simply, it expresses how I feel. This journey is about finding the me that I lost...or that maybe I never really knew.....

Who am I?

I am a wife, a mother, a daughter, a daughter-in-law, a grand daughter, a sister, a sister -in-law, a niece, a great-niece, an aunt, a cousin. I am a friend, an employee, a co-worker, a homemaker, a believer. I am a lover, a confidant, a sounding board, a fixer of boo boos, a dryer of tears, a reader of bedtime stories, a cook, a handy woman, a taxi service, an errand-girl.....

Yes, I am all of those things and more, but who am I?

If you asked me right now, how would I describe myself?

My name is Janessa Victoria Melville. I am 36 years old. I have been married for 16 years to a good man. We've struggled, and continue to struggle in some ways, but we've stuck together. We have two young boys that are a beautiful gift from God. I am a stay at home mom who struggles daily. I work part time for a Lovable Labels, and enjoy my one day a week in the office, and the chance to be kid free for several consecutive hours. I am horribly overweight and have struggle with it for more years than I care to mention. I don't feel I do anything very well. My house is usually untidy, the laundry and dishes seem to pile up, and among other things, my kids don't get bathed as often as they should. I yell too much, and read too little. I allow fear and embarrassment to keep me shackled.

And I cry.

I cry at the thought of coming to the end of my life and looking back with regret. To look back and see a scared little girl who never took chances, didn't stand up and be counted, didn't reach out and try, who allowed herself to continuously be swallowed deeper and deeper into the darkness that she once felt safe in cause its safer and easier to stay in the shadows than to try and risk failure. A lost soul who doesn't seek, because she's afraid of what she'll find.

And I'm tired.

I'm tired of being that person. I am tired of the captivity of this body and mind. My obesity is a prison, not a refuge. It once allowed me to hid, allowed me to not participate. But now, it keeps me chained and I am forced to watch from the sidelines as life passes me by. I have hidden for so long behind doing and saying what I thought others wanted of me that I don't think that I even know who Janessa really is?

But I do know this.

I want to find her. I want to break free of all that keeps me bound. I want to have that which clouds my mind, lifted. To show my boys and my husband a mom and wife who loves them enough to want to be so much better. To love deeper. To LIVE life, not just exist. To dream, but to then get out there and make it happen. To grow in my faith. I believe, but I want to feel Him, know Him, trust Him, and share it all.

I want to go from Darkness to LIFE!

But its hard. Going to Weight Watchers is just one little step in my journey. I have so much to learn, its hard to know where and how to start. The darkness is hard to step out of. But, I'll just keep taking one step forward. I am blessed every day that I get to wake up, hug my family and journey on.

A Different Perspective

My apologies for the lack in postings. The last couple of days have been a little busy.

So, with no further delay, here we go.

I have to say, I Love My WW Meetings! Not once in the last 9 wednesdays have I not wanted to go. I look forward to it, even if I don't feel I have done well that week. I am grateful for the other members that show up at the 10am meeting and share how their week has gone. This week was no different.

I arrived just before 10 to do my weigh in before the meeting. Down another 1.8 pounds bringing my 8 week total to 13lbs. Not the 3+ I was trying for, but hopefully next week i'll make it to 15 or beyond (and that next 5lb sticker).

So, our meeting starts and those of us who have been attending during the summer are rewarded with a sticker for our bookmarks (wahoo, not a 5 pounder, but I'll take it...lol). Then we move on to the sharing part of our meeting. A few people share about how their week went, and a few good questions are asked. (We are also reminded that there are no silly questions...a few more questions come out....none of which are silly) but this week we have a celebration to share. One of our members has gone Lifetime!

What this means is that she has reached her goal. As we applaud for her I can't help but think that someday that will be me up there enjoying that moment. The leader asks her a few questions about her journey, but the one that caught my attention was when she asked her how much she had lost. This member has lost 21 lbs. Now in my head i'm thinking...Great! I only have to lose 6 or 7 times what this woman has. OOYYYY!!!! But, then it happens.......

....as she continues to talk she says that it took her more than a year to lose those 21 lbs.

In an instant my perspective changed. All of a sudden I was proud of my 13 lbs in 8weeks. (which I really hadn't been up until now) No longer did my 13 lbs seem like such a small amount. I realized that I AM doing okay. Sure I'd like it to be faster, but really, its okay. I am losing it, and as long as I keep my focus, I will continue to do so. I will be able to look back in another 8 weeks and see a loss of 20-30lbs...what change in perspective will that bring? I look forward to finding out.

Bring on the next meeting.

P.S. Thanks for checking up on me Erika!

A Hard Week

This has been a hard week. With the addition of my 18 month old neice for a few days, and the normal unpredictable nature of normal everyday life, this week has not been what I had hoped for. With a couple days of missed exercise, and a couple of POINTS heavy days, i'm afraid that my vision of another 5 lb sticker is fading quickly.

But.....I'll get it back. I used to allow myself to give up. No more. This is a journey. I don't have to be perfect. Lord knows I can't be. In the words of Walt Disney, I just have to "keep moving forward". I need to forgive my mistakes, learn from them, forget them, and take another step in the right direction. Moment by moment, day by day, one step after another. I will get there.

With every day that passes I learn more about what works for me and what doesn't. As I listen to others and allow their words to encourage and teach me, I feel more and more empowered. It is those words that I draw on when I look in the mirror and still see the fat girl looking back at me. I know that she will be there for a long time, but with every positive thought and action she has less of a hold on me.

The other day I heard author Elizabeth Gilbert talking about a situation where she broke down sobbing on a New York subway. Part of what she said was that she didn't want that to be her contribution to the world. That struck a cord with me. I don't want this version of myself, the unhappy, uninvolved, obese bystander, to be my contribution. I have so much more to give, I'm sure of it. I just have to find it. I know its within me, and that is some of what this journey is about.

I look forward to meeting me. :)

A Wonderful Evening with Friends

Last night Gord, the boys and I had the pleasure of a great visit with friends. We don't do it often enough, so when we do it is often a late night. Yesterday was no exception. We got together just before dinner, and enjoyed food, drink, conversation and watching the boys play for about 7hours (Well, Zach didn't last that long, but Gabe was still going strong when we left somewhere around midnight).

It is always a wonderful evening when we get together. Our conversations wind their way through a myriad of topics, some personal, some not, some full of laughter, some more sobering. We can say what's on our minds, and just enjoy our time together. There is no agenda, no ulterior motives, just four friends having a great time. It is a real blessing in a stress filled world to have friends that you can just be yourself with.

I wish we would make the time to do it more often.

Thanks for an really enjoyable evening :)